27 Ways To Be Beta Male

“Traditional” masculinity has long been under attack from a variety of angles. Often the people crying about its existence are of course the people who accumulate the least of it. Fat women hate traditional masculinity because any guy with self respect will give her wide girth a wide berth. Neckbeards and beta males are equally as threatened by it because they aren’t capable of competing with it in any meaningful capacity. Too put it simply, real men are too good for these second-rate losers. Any man worth his salt has had to deal with slights against his masculinity both subtle and overt. Most of us, being real men, shrug it off as the groveling of lesser people.

Sometimes you run into the kind of pathetic displays that are so embarrassingly beta, so limp-wristedly lame that you have to stop and check if you’re still breathing after encountering them, because you’re so besieged by the flowing estrogen that you’re worried your brain shut itself down in self defense. The kind of shit that makes you want to rochambo with a kangaroo. The sort of thing that makes taking a belt sander to your own rib cage seem like a good idea.

These things are hard to truly quantify, but in my real life experience, it can be something like seeing somebody wear a leather open crown hat to work, or when you see a guy accepting “applications for girlfriends” on social media. Sometimes you are tricked into reading a headline from Everyday Feminism like “Why We Can’t Forget Food Justice in Our Anti-Racism Fight,” which I will absolutely not link to out or principal. Like reacting to a sudden clatter or flinching when cold water gets poured on you, these things are so bad that you can’t ignore them, they practically mandate a response.

I was tipped off to such a thing the other day. The used tampon known as the New York Times published an article titled “27 Ways To Be A Modern Man.” As you’d expect, the list is an unequivocal crock of shit. It’s an embarrassingly beta male piece of propaganda, it’s so bad I almost didn’t write this article because I didn’t want to give lip service to it. While there are maybe a couple of points that are universal, and a few I even approve of, the list is a whats-what of everything wrong with modern “masculinity.” Here are a few examples:

1. When the modern man buys shoes for his spouse, he doesn’t have to ask her sister for the size. And he knows which brands run big or small.

Off to a bad start, in more ways than one. If the modern man is out buying shoes for his spouse, he has already lost. Your wife is a grown woman and she can buy her own damn clothes. If she’s cucked you so much that you willingly go heel shopping for her, you aren’t her man, you’re a servant.

2. The modern man never lets other people know when his confidence has sunk. He acts as if everything is going swimmingly until it is.

That’s a bit better. Then again, if you’re a real man and not a “modern” man, everything is always going swimmingly because you’re a man and being a man kicks ass. I’ve been told that’s called “male privilege.”

3. The modern man is considerate. At the movie theater, he won’t munch down a mouthful of popcorn during a quiet moment. He waits for some ruckus.

I paid for my ticket and I paid for my movie, unless I’m blaring an air raid siren in the middle of the theater, what I choose to do is none of anyone else’s fucking business. If you can’t handle someone eating popcorn next to you, your opinion doesn’t matter anyways because you’re twelve.

4. The modern man doesn’t cut the fatty or charred bits off his fillet. Every bite of steak is a privilege, and it all goes down the hatch.

To me, this is nothing more than a caricature included to try and give some validity to the otherwise beta-as-fuck mentality of the writer. “MEN BURN STEAK AND EAT IT ANYWAY LOL.” Just as #3 above it, what I do with my food is none of your God damn business.

5. The modern man won’t blow 10 minutes of his life looking for the best parking spot. He finds a reasonable one and puts his car between the lines.

See #3 and #4.

6. Before the modern man heads off to bed, he makes sure his spouse’s phone and his kids’ electronic devices are charging for the night.

Who the fuck are you, the house butler? If your kids want to play on their Nintendo DS, they’ll learn how to charge it themselves. Don’t spoil your kids, or else they will turn into hapless little pussies like you. Your whole family sounds like a bunch of lazy, incapable sacks of shit if they aren’t able to charge their own damn phones without your help. If you raised kids this dumb, you have not only failed as a parent, but as a human being.

7. The modern man buys only regular colas, like Coke or Dr Pepper. If you walk into his house looking for a Mountain Dew, he’ll show you the door.

Dude, seriously. Watch your diet and I’ll watch mine. The only times a man should ever give a shit about someone else’s food is when he’s trying to keep his wife from getting fat and shitty, and when he laughs at vegans for being useless.

8. The modern man uses the proper names for things. For example, he’ll say “helicopter,” not “chopper” like some gauche simpleton.

Wow, you’re totally right. We should go back and digitally edit Predator so that instead of Arnold Schwarzenegger shouting “get to the choppa!” it is Adam Levine singing “Run to the helicopter, hee hee!”

9. Having a daughter makes the modern man more of a complete person. He learns new stuff every day.

Having a daughter should scare the fuck out of a real man, because he remembers all the messed up shit he did with girls after he hit puberty. Every chick I’ve ever DP’d was some daddy’s baby at some point in her life.

10. The modern man makes sure the dishes on the rack have dried completely before putting them away.

In the event that you don’t have a wife or kids to do the dishes for you, sure. Also remember to take off your socks before going into the shower, and heat up the frying pan before you cook your eggs in the morning, you obvious fuck.

11. The modern man has never “pinned” a tweet, and he never will.

Yep. Skipping ahead in the interest of sanity:

16. The modern man lies on the side of the bed closer to the door. If an intruder gets in, he will try to fight him off, so that his wife has a chance to get away.

No way. The modern man understands that feminism is truth and that the genders are equal. He accepts that anything a man can do a woman can do, and that he can just as reasonably make his wife defend an attacker while he runs away. Pro tip: it’s a lot easier to “fight him off” if you own a gun. Only there is this…

25. The modern man has no use for a gun. He doesn’t own one, and he never will.

Well, guess you and your wife are both fucked, kiss your weak, pacifistic asses goodbye. A man shouldn’t feel threatened by an inanimate object.

17. Does the modern man have a melon baller? What do you think? How else would the cantaloupe, watermelon and honeydew he serves be so uniformly shaped?

This is the God’s-honest truth : the only time I ever served melon to anyone in my house was after I poured a bottle of vodka in it.

21. The modern man doesn’t scold his daughter when she sneezes while eating an apple doughnut, even if the pieces fly everywhere.

Yeah, neither does anyone else, ever. Who the fuck does that? How did this even come up?

26. The modern man cries. He cries often.

I’m about to cry from having to deal with this stupid bullshit. I’d better hop on the next train from White Knight Doormat Town back to the real world, where people don’t cry over microaggressions and Pajama Boy isn’t the poster child of all that is right. I’m not even sure that place exists anymore. No wonder real men drink.

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