Part 1 can be found here
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A Day In The Life, Part 1
A couple years ago I woke up to a very loud knock on my door. And by very loud knock, I mean a truck drove through my front door and into my living room. Now normally I would have been pissed about some jackass ruining my entryway, but when I opened the car door to beat the shit out of the driver, I realized that he was already dead. Talk about instant karma. So anyways, after I finally managed to contain my laughter, I did what any other human being with a dead body in their living room would do: I looked through his wallet for cash.
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Expendables 3: Old People Need Explosions Too
Foreward: I know this is being posted after The Expendables has effectively left theaters. Truth is, I wrote it when it first came out but wanted to focus on the timelier Ice Bucket phenomenon. Then I just kinda forgot about it til now. You’ll live. Continue reading Post ID 655
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Fuck The Ice Bucket Challenge, Extort More Better
You can probably already guess how I feel about #slacktivist campaigns to “raise awareness” (do nothing) that have become popular as of late. From child abuse to homelessness to human rights atrocities, slacktivism has put forth major efforts to do a whole lot of nothing about a whole lot of things. “Raising awareness” of a cause is the dipshit way of feeling good about charity, because it doesn’t actually involve you to do anything about it. God forbid you actually donate money to these causes, or volunteer at any of those organizations, you’re too busy hashtagging away all day and jerking yourself off over “how much you care.”
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It Can’t Get Any Worse: How “Turn Down For What” Might Benefit The Music Industry
Anyone and everyone by now has heard the latest drivel to have come from the dreadlocked mind of rapper Lil Jon, “Turn Down For What” has been on the top 40 singles chart for over six months. Repetitive and simplistic even compared to the rest of Lil Jon’s catalog, “Turn Down For What” gives me both a feeling of “look how far we’ve fallen” sadness and the strange comfort of a silver lining. It’s the latter of which I want to take a moment to study, because the easiest way to find the humor in something is to grossly over examine it.
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A Tribute To Tim Burton’s Endless Parade Of Uninspired Bullshit
UPDATE MARCH 2015: According to The Hollywood Reporter, the next victim of Tim Burton’s butchering spree of beloved childhood films is going to be a live action Dumbo. Rumors have it that it will have nothing to do with a elephant, and will simply be an autobiographical film about how much of an idiot Tim is.
Tim Burton has one mission in life, likely stemming from some sort of erotic fascination with shattering dreams: he loves to latch himself onto classic masterpieces of pop culture and cinema and butcher them shamelessly.
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The Winter Soldier Is The Film Steve Rogers Deserves
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to get kicked in the face by a 22 foot tall TV screen, look no further than the new Captain America sequel. Just as much at home with the fist-flying action resurgence of recent years as with the best of the comic book films, I can’t think of a single red-blooded American that wouldn’t enjoy this movie. Fair warning though: the raw ball-busting fury of The Winter Soldier may not be suitable for pregnant women, women who may become pregnant, or limp-wristed latte drinkers.
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Dismantling Hollywood.com
Most of you, I pray, have never been to hollywood.com, the only people who read celebrity gossip bullshit are too stupid to enjoy things that are actually worth reading, like my stuff. Whether you’ve ever been to the site or not, you can deduce the general theme of its content. I recently was pointed to this website that despite the painfully obvious domain name, I never knew existed Continue reading Post ID 655
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The Legend Of The Lefty Cigarette
On a stoned and fateful night, in the dank byways of Phoenix, five young men, not so much marching lock-step as determinedly stumbling, have embarked on a quest that will test the limits of their frayed reality as much as it will their resolve and dedication to another. In my company were my friends Pringle, Miles, Logan, and Scratch. Their names have been changed to protect their identities.
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California To Introduce New Health And Safety Laws, Services
Sacramento, California (Dissociated Press) – In wake of a rising trend in accidental genital mutilations, California Governor Jerry Brown has just signed into law a sweeping new legislative practice known as GONAD (Genital Ordinance and Nude Assessment Directive) aimed at safeguarding the public from their own genitalia.
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Why You Should Hate Old People, Part 2
Old people have stupid names. Frannie, Marge, Walter, Mary-Lou, Archibald, Henry, Virginia, Claudia, Irving, Ernest, Blanche and Ruth. People no longer name their children any of those because we now realize that all of these names are about as trite and uninspired as the people who bear them. When was the last time you met a 70 year old named Dustin? You haven’t.
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Why You Should Hate Old People, Part 1
You know what I hate more than anything else in the entire world? More than twerking, which I still don’t even know what that is, more than screamo, more than people who come to a complete stop when they turn or people who drink coffee at 9 PM. More than I hate vegetarians, more than I hate Ford Mustang fans, more than I hate baseball or UFC or clogged toilets or stubbed toes or being blind in one eye. The thing I hate more than everything else is old people.
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Skinny Girl Wine Is Marketing Brilliance
The sham artists at Skinny Girl Cocktails have struck again. Over the past few years some of you may have seen the Skinny Girl craze take root, with its lineup of low-calorie, low-alcohol bitch liquids hitting the shelves one after another like a physical manifestation of a vomiting trash bin at a Sex and the City storyboard meeting.
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Stop Ruining My Sandwiches With Your Stupid Bullshit, And Other First World Problems
I thought I ordered a hamburger, not a mayo-lettuce-pickle-onion-tomato sandwich. From what I understand a hamburger is a piece of burned beef in between two slices of bread. So why then, when I ordered one from insert-restaurant-here, did they give me a heaping pile of vegetables, mustard, and shit?
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The Best And Lamest Movie Villains Ever
Most lists of this nature focus on iconic or otherwise influential characters, those widely accepted as memorable by pop culture. If you look up any 5 best or worst villain list, chances are you will run into the same names across all of them: The Wicked Witch of the West, Hannibal Lector, Max Cady, Norman Bates, and sure, they all deserve to be on that list for one reason or another, its just not original to keep praising the same fucking characters day in and day out.
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EXTAR EXP556 Pistol Review
This isn’t the kind of thing I set up my website for and this isn’t the kind of thing I ever wanted to do with it, but I have noticed a glaring lack of information about the EXTAR pistol on the internet, and having just bought one, felt compelled to put this up so people can have a reference to draw from when deciding whether or not to buy an EXTAR for themselves.
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Ranch Dressing Is The Downfall of Civilization
Ranch dressing is the creamy child of a train run on a leprous cripple. Am I the only person in the world who hates ranch dressing? I don’t know if this is an interstate trend or not, but around where I live, people put ranch dressing on EVERYTHING.
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The “Death Metal Gatoraide” Story
If you ever see a bottle of Gatorade next to a box of tissues at my house, you should probably not inhale until you’ve left the room.