The Greatest Holidays You’ll Never Celebrate

Written 3-16-11

So I was at school the other day getting something to eat when I saw a woman walking past me with a baby in one arm and a salad in the other. My first impulse was to knock the baby out of her hand and laugh, but after a second glance, I thought to myself “Maybe I should knock the salad out of her hands instead.” One of the few things in the world worse than babies are salads, because the only people who eat them are hippies, vegans, and pansies. This woman seemed to me all three, which is probably why I wanted to save her baby from the literal clutches of the loser-mom holding her. But really, what the fuck is up with salads? It’s fucking rabbit food. All it is are a bunch of crappy, bland tasting vegetables plopped into a bowl with some nasty ass dressing ejaculated all over it. Where’s the meat? Why do people go to Paradise Bakery and pay eight dollars for a bowl of weeds, then go harass the good beefeaters for having bigger brains than they do? Have you ever met a man who eats salads? No you haven’t, because real men don’t eat salad. Unless of course, the salad is made out of babies. That’s why babies were invented, so men could have something to shake and/or eat.

I had so much fun thinking about how stupid salads are that I realized something. Salads are so fucking stupid that they deserve to be nationally recognized as such. A National Fuck Salad Day is just what America needs to wake up and smell the ground beef. Hell, Fuck Salads day is the only holiday I would even consider worth celebrating. I mean, look at the bullshit holidays we have today:

Labor Day – Invented by the Soviets, Labor Day exists solely to show people the alleged glory of communism by letting them not work for a day, hoping to disrupt the ways of a capitalist society by taking away a day of production and consumerism. Well it failed spectacularly because Americans are lazy anyways, and they used that extra day off to do American things like peeing while standing, grilling various meats, and watching sports. As a matter of fact, it had such a positive effect on America that the Russian people got so pissed off, they tore down the Berlin Wall out of surrender, ending the Cold War.

Kwanza – Some disgruntled Black Panther probably came up with this one. “Well, we can’t make Santa Claus black, so we need to invent a stupid knock off holiday vaguely involving candles that the black man can celebrate without having to praise some rich white fat guy.”

Thus Kwanza was born, the retarded, colored half brother of Christmas. Fight the power, brother!

Valentine’s Day – How sweet, a holiday that guilts you into buying your wife expensive jewelry that she doesn’t deserve and big boxes of chocolate that her fat ass doesn’t need. Nothing says “I’m forced to show that I love you” more than a present on Valentine’s day. Why is showing someone you love them supposed to be limited to one day? Because if you weren’t forced to even attempt to find something good about your (in)significant other, you probably would have realized that there is nothing good about her and  murdered the bitch by now.


Irish people suck. The only things they have contributed to society are inventing white trash and alcoholism. I mean, half the population of Ireland died because they ran out of potatoes, and the other half moved to America and caused the Great Depression. How’s that for a cultural resume? I never understood why “the luck of the Irish” was a thing, because according to history, if you are born with the luck of the Irish, you are destined to live in a trailer in Boston and work construction your entire life. Irish people like to think that being Irish is the greatest thing in the world, because apparently having a genetic predisposition to alcoholism and poverty is a blessing to some people. Then again, if you consider how much it must have sucked to be Irish BEFORE the industrial revolution, I guess in perspective they are doing leagues better than before.

Cinco de Mayo – See above, replace “Irish” with “Mexican,” “green beer” with “Tequila,” and “Patron Saint” with “freedom fighters” Flogging Molly can be left in regardless, because there are no famous Mexican musicians. Cinco de Mayo isn’t even a national holiday in Mexico, it is a regional one. It’s like everyone in Portugal celebrating Alabama Day.

People come up with the dumbest reasons to celebrate a holiday. How about holidays that don’t suck, dipshit? I can think of nine holidays people should celebrate that wouldn’t suck so much festering ass, holidays you would actually want to participate in.


1. National Mace a Nergo Day
Man up, find a black person and some peppery spray, and go nuts! There are no age or size restrictions on National Mace a Negro Day, and that goes both ways. Got children? Teach them that the American way is only the push of a button away! Elderly grandparents? They’ll love to relive their favorite pre-MLK memories with their loved ones at their side. It’ll be like desegregation never even happened, and they can die with a smile on their face knowing that the “Good old days” have yet to pass. Fun for the whole family! Beware, roughly 10% of people are naturally immune to pepper spray, and if you happen to choose one such black man as the target of your festivities, you may face retaliation.


2. No Shave November

Yeah, I know I didn’t invent this, but it’s still a better holiday than most of the ones we have. A month long celebration, No Shave November celebrates manliness in the most effective way possible: with facial hair. Participating is quite simple, during the entire month of November you cannot shave anything above your neck. You are still encouraged to shave your crotch and asscrack as needed however, because that’s just kinda weird. If you regularly shave any other below-neck areas of your body besides these two, you are a woman, and No Shave November doesn’t apply to you. Fair warning though, not shaving for that long may have the consequence of making you look like a hippie. If you suspect this may be the case, you are permitted to trim your beard to a reasonable appearance so you don’t get mistaken for a Sublime fan and treated as such.


3. Sexual Soda Day

Only men and lactating women have the ability to participate in Sexual Soda Day. When your friend has a beverage in hand or nearby, you wait until they aren’t looking… And blow a fat wad of your preferred sexual fluid right into their drink. It should go without saying that you are not to inform them of your sexcapades involving their Dr Pepper, which is an over rated soda anyway. Clinical studies have shown that women who regularly ingest semen suffer fewer cases of breast cancer then women who don’t. So for her sake, encourage her that her now slightly-salty soft drink is good to the last drop. When she is fifty and still has both knockers, she will thank you.


4. Going Postal Day

Postal workers, despite having trite jobs, are inherently good people, and deserve all the help they can get. On this day, it will be expected to lend a helping hand by delivering your neighbor’s mail from their mailbox on the curb right to their front door. Naturally, because you have done them such a great service, it is customary to, without notification, keep anything for yourself that may contain cash, checks, or credit cards intended for your neighbor. It’s your own personal way of saying “Thank you” to yourself for being such a wonderful example of the Tenth Commandment


5. Hoist A Midget Day

Let’s face it, midgets are funny. It’s not heartless or politically incorrect to admit it, it’s just a fact. Midgets are funny. They are also compact and lightweight, allowing them to fit into places normal humans can’t. For their great service to the world we live in, midgets should be recognized and uplifted… Literally. On this day, to honor your favorite little people for lighting up your life, just come up behind them, grab them around the waist, and hold them up in the air for a few good seconds, so everyone can catch a glimpse of their local hero. It would be best to do this without their knowing, so they can be just as surprised as everyone else with the praise they are getting. If they struggle, it is because they are bashful and uncomfortable with being in the limelight, and you should keep them there for a few extra seconds so they can grow accustomed to their newfound fame. Don’t stop there of course, get creative in how you hoist your midgets. Set up elaborate pulley systems to ensnare them, or use one as a barbell or hood ornament. The only limit to the heights they can soar is in your own imagination.


6. Weatherman Appreciation Day

Make a list of the five most useless professions ever, and you can bet that your broadcast weatherman will be on that list. It’s not that they are underappreciated, it’s that they are unnecessary even when their weather predictions come true, which is never. They try to sound important by having titles like “Meteorologist” attached to them, but a simple linguistic analysis proves that the term “Meteorologist” means absolutely dick. You don’t study space rocks dipshit, you wave your hands around in front of a green screen and repeat whatever the weather predicting computer tells you to say. I propose that we have a holiday to celebrate “Meteorologists” as a whole, but then make a show out of never actually doing anything to celebrate, so they feel worse about themselves and their profession as a whole. If all goes well, this holiday will result in at least one suicide a year as local news weathermen realize how meaningless their lives are.


7. Motorhead’s Birthday

The first forty seconds of this video contain the most amazing thing I’ve ever beheld.

In case you’re too much of a useless, inbred, crunkcore cock sucker to know who Lemmy Kilmister is, or to even infer from the above video, he is the figurehead of manliness in more ways than I can count. His musical conduit Motorhead is the best band ever in the history of anything. Lemmy Kilmister is the Pope of ass kicking. When you hear him speak, you think he just has a really thick, gruff English accent. But if you know better, you realize that he sounds that way because he is always drunk. You see, mortal blood is too weak to support the awesome presence that is Lemmy, so his heart instead pumps pure Jack Daniels. This is proven in the following picture:

You see, Lemmy is so bad ass that Jack Daniel’s changed its entire label to honor the greatest man in history. I saw a kid get his head literally stomped in during a Motorhead concert because he couldn’t handle how awesome it was to be in Lemmy’s presence. He is the ultimate bad ass, and I bet his facial mole gets more sex then you do. Lemmy is God, and Motorhead is his gospel. But a pussy like you wouldn’t know that, because you’re too busy listening to shitty bands like (Hed)PE and3OH!3. In order to reverse the trend of ever-worse music, a national, nay, a WORLD holiday should be held every year in honor of the hairiest, most testosterone-fueled savage beast in all the world. On Lemmy’s birthday, it will be legal to euthanize anyone caught listening to music that sucks. At the stroke of midnight, you must punch a baby to Lemmy’s honor. When you have your Motorhead feast, you have to eat people and scrap iron.The time would be easy to know, for then all of mankind would have become as the Great Old Ones; free and wild beyond good and evil, with laws and morals thrown aside and all men shouting and killing and reveling in joy. Then the liberated Old Ones would teach them new ways to shout and kill and revel and enjoy themselves, and all the earth would flame with a holocaust of ecstasy and freedom. Ia, ia! Cthulhu fhtagn!


8. Road Rage Amnesty Day

I know firsthand that people in Phoenix are too fucking stupid to drive. I always thought it was a traditional thing to say that people in your city of residence can’t drive worth a shit. How many times have you heard someone say “Man, people in Phoenix/LA/San Antonio/New York/Quebec/Rome/Johannesburg/Perth/Samoa can’t drive for shit.” I know now today, being as well traveled as I am that every single person who has ever said this about any city is absolutely correct. It is almost a requirement to be a douche bag or idiot to get a driver’s license these days. Naturally, with so many stupid people speeding around in what are essentially lethal weapons with sound systems in them down streets in every town, it is understandable to get a little pissed off at other people’s ignorance. Doing something about it, on the other hand, is a different story. If road rage was a justification for murder like self defense is, then the gun I keep under my seat would see much more use. Old people who drive fifteen miles under the speed limit, stupid faggot fucking bro kids and their lifted trucks, hip-hop gangbanger wanna-bes who pay more for subs then they did their actual car, Benz driving yuppies who think they own the road, women, and people who don’t use their turn signals, every single type of person mentioned here would have been eradicated. And life would be WONDERFUL without them. That’s why there should be one day out of the year where it is excusable to intentionally wreck someone’s car (or face) if they are an irresponsible douche behind the wheel. Believe it or not, I’m usually a pretty relaxed person, but the one thing I have no tolerance for is stupidity, especially while on the road. Some old fuck in an Explorer flashed his brights at me one time for honest-to-god no reason, and I legitimately would have shot him had my girlfriend at the time not grabbed me by the wrist and stopped me. I’m so sick of repressed idiocy taking reign on the blacktop, and I know for a fact that despite being a cause yourself, each and every one of you agrees with me that sometimes, you just want to run some fuckface off the road to teach them some manners. Just because I pull up next to you at a stoplight doesn’t mean I want to race, so take the ridiculous spoiler off of your trunk, stop watching Fast and Furious every day, and learn to fucking drive. If I had a dollar for every person who needlessly enraged me on the road, I’d be able to afford enough ammunition to kill them all.


9. Man Day

Like Oktoberfest, but the waitresses have even less clothing, as in none. Not to be confused with “My Dick In Your Mouth Day,” although they both recognize a similar set of values. No one can celebrate Man Day in America, because everyone today is a pussy. Looks like I’ll be drinking alone when this day comes around.