It’s easy to dismiss me as some misguided, hatemongering asshole with a tiny penis who came from a broken home. The fact is, my penis is huge. My heroes are George Carlin, post-scandal Tiger Woods, Andrew Breitbart (the most successful troll of our time), Rob Ford, Lance Armstrong’s remaining testicle, the Quaker Oatmeal guy, and Lemmy Kilmister.
Let me share with you a few things about me so you can get a general idea of who I am. I once lied about having AIDS to get out of donating blood. My high school science teacher and I are tunnel buddies. In 4th grade, I turned a glue stick into a functional syringe. I keep a copy of The Bell Jar in my bathroom in case I run out of toilet paper. I once tried to bribe a pregnant woman into giving me a lap dance at a party by offering her tequila. I once yelled a mouse to death. When I was 20, I got a urinary tract infection from having too much sex. I was born 9 months after the fall of the Berlin Wall. I have seen The Black Dahlia Murder live seventeen times.
This is a list of things I love:
- Jim Beam
- Angry music
- Having sex to angry music
- The word Angry
- Being Angry
This is a list of things I hate:
I have an alcohol tolerance that betrays my size and heritage, and I firmly believe that the liver is evil and should be punished. I’ve had my fair share if irresponsible experiences and offensive thoughts, and the ones I remember most completely I share with the world. I’ve been known to harass feminists from every avenue available to me, including but not limited to real life, youtube comments, Facebook, and letters to my congressmen. Some of the best real times I have experienced I cannot remember, and if I am ever lucky enough to piece them together by old text messages, pictures, and friends, I’ll post them here. If you don’t like something I have to say, I don’t care. Don’t e-mail me about, don’t bother me about it, just move your mouse up to that back arrow at the top of your screen and move on with the rest of your empty, shallow life.
I don’t host this site to make money, and if I incorporate ads into it, it is only to keep my awe-inspiring shrine to me up and running.