Foreskin For Life

My dick is uncircumcised. Does this disgust you? Are you circumcised? Are you proud of it? You shouldn’t be, because your parents ruined your sex life for you until the day you die.

I knew girls in high school who have never seen an entire dong before, and I use the word entire because it’s accurate to say that a sawed-off dick is far from complete. It’s missing a part! I even knew a girl who was disgusted by the thought of an uncircumcised member. Needless to say, she was in for quite a surprise when I took my pants off, and it wasn’t just because of how huge my cajones were.

I was listening to Love Line on the radio once, not so much for Dr. Drew’s wizened advice, but because I love laughing at stories involving premature ejaculation and people licking each other’s hemorrhoids. The topic of the particular segment I caught was circumcision. On the show, on live air, with an audience of maybe a million people, one of the hosts (I think it was Dr. Drew) said verbatim: “I don’t see any reason why not to get circumcised.” Why wouldn’t you? :et me retort that statement with another, equally rational statement.


Circumcision doesn’t sounds so appealing now, does it you fuck? How about I put your dick in a cigar cutter and “take a little off the top?” It’s no different than what you are proposing every man in the world to do to himself or his children.

Now look, I can understand circumcision for religious reasons, like the Jews practice. I may not agree with it, but there are a lot of aspects of certain religions that I disagree with. Take Islam for example, where some Imams encourage you to fuck goats instead of women, who are to remain 100% covered in public, and then they turn around and tell you that if you blow yourself up in a school full of young children, you will go to heaven and get to fuck women. But hey, I maintain you can practice whatever you believe as long as it doesn’t negatively affect other people. Cutting your dick off is an isolated screw up. Blowing up the World Trade Center isn’t. So in that regard, I can understand circumcision for purposes of religion. That’s fine, whatever. But 56% of men in America are circumcised, and you can bet your own foreskin that they aren’t all Jewish.

So if it isn’t a de facto religious practice, why get it done? Well there are tons of myths and fallacies (Yeah, I made a penile reference while maintaining literary accuracy. Bow to me) regarding circumcision and why it is considered a good thing. The most predominant amongst them are as follows:

  • Reduces chance of spreading HPV, HIV, and syphilis.
  • People consider it sanitary
  • It allegedly makes your penis look bigger
  • Uncircumcised boys are 10 times more likely to contract a kidney disease in their first year of birth.

Well let’s see… First off, the idea of using circumcision to prevent the spread of STDs is heinous. According to this logic, there are three ways to reduce risk of STDs: Use a condom, get circumcised, or abstain. Well no one wants to abstain because sex is wonderful, so it boils down to having a piece of your penis permanently chopped off, or driving down to 7-11 and buying a pack of condoms for $5. Tough choice huh? Besides, if you are fucking someone who may have HIV or syphilis in the first place, it’s your own god damned fault if you don’t rubber up and get her disease, not your foreskin’s.

Secondly, I will admit that when the practice of circumcision was first used two to four thousand years ago, the idea of it being sanitary had some basis. That basis being the fact that two thousand years ago, people wandered around in the desert all their lives and only bathed every year or two. If you maintained that kind of hygiene, you’ll be lucky to have ONLY been afflicted with a smelly ramrod. In this day and age, running water is the norm and people generally avoid you if you haven’t showered in longer than a few days. Because we aren’t god damned barbarians roaming the countryside herding livestock for a living, sanitation and cleanliness aren’t necessarily precious commodities these days. So again, if you don’t shower often, or if you are too lazy to take the extra thirty seconds to wash the dirt that somehow accumulated on your dick, the blame lies entirely with you, and not your foreskin.

Number three, why would you think that by removing a component of something, it would make it look bigger? Where the fuck is the logic in that? If you have eight cookies, and you take one away, it doesn’t look like you have more cookies than before. If you cut the top inch off of a ruler, it doesn’t make the ruler look longer. If you have a bag full or marbles, and you remove one marble, how would that make the bag of marbles look fuller? If you chop off the tip of your own chud, how in the world would that make it look bigger? If some stupid slut thinks your cock looks bigger because you thwacked off part of it, that’s her fault and not your foreskin’s and at that point you should tell her that maybe she is nearsighted and should take a much closer look. With her mouth.

Lastly, we are faced with an interesting statistic about circumcision. Not only do I fail to see a correlation between your dangle and your kidneys, but if your child’s kidney infection in fact IS related to his newborn member, it really makes me wonder what exactly you are doing with the boy in the first place to have caused a kidney infection via his choad. If you are sticking your baby’s zip gun into infectious places, then whatever happens to it is your fault, not the foreskin’s, and you should probably kill yourself.

And as if debunking everything you ever believed to be good about circumcision wasn’t good enough, I’m about to lay out to you reasons why leaving your baby boy’s dick alone is a GOOD thing. If you are circumcised and are reading this, these may push you into tears.

Circumcision is risky. One slip of the doctor’s hand and your baby’s dick has officially been lopped off before he even knew what it was used for. Secondly, the foreskin contains thousands of nerve endings called “stretch receptors.” Stretch receptors respond to stretching, rolling, or massaging. In other words, they exist only to make sex with your fat girlfriend’s cavernous stinkhole more enjoyable, because the one thing better than face fucking a girl is to have that face fucking feel better than it should. So if you are circumcised, no matter what you do and no matter who you are doing it with, you are missing out on a lot more pleasure than you could have felt. Crazy huh? The thought that sex can feel even better than it already does. Your loss.

One could argue that if sex felt too good, you would be given no choice but to be a two-pump chump, but people who think that premature ejaculation is no laughing matter are dead wrong. Premature ejaculation is a sign of being really good in bed. Women will appreciate the fact that you can get yourself off in under a minute, it means you are efficient and dedicated toward your goals, focused, single-minded and unwilling to let yourself get side tracked by trivial bullshit like a woman’s feelings or enjoyment. Chicks dig guys like that because that kind of devotion toward betterment will land the guy a nicer job, and the nicer a job a guy has, the more money of his she can waste on herself. Playing into that, the quicker you get off, the sooner she can go back to buying jewelry and pedicures, whatever the fuck those are. Everybody wins.

Another reason that you think would be obvious to keep your foreskin is that it makes a fantastic place to stash club drugs for smuggling into parties. I mean, let’s be practical here, bro. And speaking of practicality, did you know that the skin on the head of your fleshroll is very thin and sensitive, like the skin on the inside of your mouth? It wasn’t designed to be exposed to harsh weather, the inside of your jeans, fire, tattoo needles, or dry sandy vaginas. Just like your eyelid protects the sensitive eyeball from dirt and other harmful things, so does the foreskin do to the head of your manhood. Would you cut off your eyeball if someone told you it would keep your eye healthy?

Now that I have shattered the egos, hopes, and dreams of 56% of American men, let me offer you these pieces of encouragement to soften the blow. There are ways to regain your dick’s body armor, though most of them involve cutting off a piece of skin from somewhere else on your body or pulling and stretching your skin until it is long enough to cover your German army helmet. If neither of these solutions sound appealing to you, there is still yet hope. Go suck on a revolver, and all of your troubles will be over. At the very least, you can call up your father and shout at him for never even giving you a chance, and while you are off doing that, I’ll be sitting around my house hiding ecstasy pills in my foreskin and getting way more out of sex than you ever will. Eat shit.

God damnit Randall, I knew you were a deadbeat dad.