California To Introduce New Health And Safety Laws, Services

Sacramento, California (Dissociated Press) – In wake of a rising trend in accidental genital mutilations, California Governor Jerry Brown has just signed into law a sweeping new legislative practice known as GONAD (Genital Ordinance and Nude Assessment Directive) aimed at safeguarding the public from their own genitalia.

Governor Jerry Brown
California Governor Jerry Brown at a press conference Tuesday

The measure, sparked off by a CDC survey that rates the chances of a daily accidental genital mutilation at 1:8, a rising trend that follows World Health Organization projections, was quickly drafted and ratified by both chambers of the State Congress and heralded by many in the public sector as the most comprehensive legislative safeguard passed in California since the Roberti-Roos Assault Weapons Control Act of 1989. The “GONAD Initiative” aims to create a new department within the California Department of Public Health that will advocate the safe and proper use of its citizen’s private parts. The department’s involvement with the public was revealed at a press conference today and is three pronged: First, a team of specially trained “Genital Inspection Municipal Planners” or GIMPs for short, will take up residence in every public restroom facility to ensure proper handling and compliance with the new legislation. Second, they will amend the state’s adolescent sexual education curriculum to include warnings about the mishandling of one’s own or another’s sexual organs. Lastly, the law seeks to regulate and in some cases prohibit the sale and use of some sexual objects deemed “dangerous” or “unsafe.”

One of the biggest changes of this sweeping spate of regulation is the ban on specific acts of hygiene that may endanger genitals, amongst them being the holding of one’s own penis during micturition and the sanitation of one’s own rectum after a bowel movement. Specially trained GIMPs will be present in all public restrooms to assist in a variety of sanitary acts, from shaking dry a man’s penis form him at the urinal to ensuring one did a proper job of using bathroom tissue to properly clean themselves.

Rising Opposition

Some Californians feel that the new law crosses moral boundaries. Maureen “Mo” Fingers of Pasadena is one such person. Mo led a large public awareness campaign aimed at stopping the bill before its ratification, claiming that it is degrading and embarrassing to not be trusted with one’s own sanitation and genital safety. During a rally held last week at the steps of the Capitol building, Mo addressed a throng of people gathered to voice their opposition to the new bill.

“The lawmakers of California have mistaken pubic safety for public safety, and continue to ignore the underlying causes of the rash of sexual accidents that are gripping the state, which is, of course, Sarah Palin. I don’t know exactly how she is responsible for this, but she probably is, because, Republicans. Also, I bet Glen Beck, George Bush, and Big Banks have been planning this for years anyway.”

While many feel this measure is too intrusive, advocates of the bill are quick to point out that such an agency wouldn’t be needed if Californians were capable of handling their own business in a proper manner.

“It is obvious by now that people can’t be trusted to take care of their own privates anymore, or else we wouldn’t be having this problem.” opines Dick Hardy, a resident of Shafter. “And I for one feel much safer in the hands of trained expert than trying to figure it out myself. Most of the people opposed to it are probably just angry that someone will discover how tiny their dicks are. Aint no problem for me.” says Dick.

Some are even touting the environmental benefits of the new law. To prevent environmentally harmful practices, GIMPs will now also monitor the amount of bathroom tissue you use by offering to assist.

“People often use too much toilet paper because they can’t see if the job is done or not” announced Department of Health undersecretary Candy Rider. “With a helping hand and extra set of eyes, you will now know exactly how much to use and how much to respectfully keep out of landfills.”

As for the cost of hiring thousands of new GIMPs, lawmakers assure us that the salaries of these public servants will be more than offset by the money saved in time and resources that will not longer need to be expended in existing departments.

“You’d be surprised how much time our first responders spend on calls involving domestic disputes over painful sex toys and distress calls involving being stuck tied in ‘compromising’ positions.” Explains State Senator Loni Handcock (9th District). “And in bypassing e-verify and background checks for our GIMPs, we also save ourselves a lot of unnecessary time and paperwork.” A condom and lube tax is also being considered to fill any budgeting gaps.

Education Is Key

Much like California-legal cars and guns, books depicting graphic incidents of genital mutilation or objectum sexuality will be custom tailored to fit California’s new laws. Upon this announcement, sales of the popular erotic novel “Fifty Shades of Grey” and romantic series “The Twilight Saga” surged amid fears that the unabridged texts would soon no longer be available to the public. “Fifty Shades of Grey” has a scene that depicts an erotic encounter with a toothbrush, whilst “Twilight” centers around a love triangle a high school girl has between a dead virgin and a dog with abs.

“These kind of stories are inappropriate for our children,” said Wang Long, a child psychologist. “Children are incapable of separating fact from fiction, as trends in violent video games and school massacres prove. We need to protect them from suggestive ideas and educate them that masturbation is best left with a hand or sock full of Vaseline, not a toaster oven.” Wang is of course referencing to the now-infamous case of a UK man who dialed firefighters after getting his penis stuck in a toaster for several hours.

To further the department’s agenda in primary education, sex ed classes will now also cover the proper use of hands and mouth whilst stimulating ones self or others and present children with activities meant to identify which household object it is and is not safe to sexually interact with.

Sex objects with sharp edges or devices deemed too wide or long will also be subject to new regulations, and while a clear path toward a categorization system has not been revealed, one top official claimed it to be “in the pipes.” While many household items, such as chainsaws or washing machines, come with manufacturer labels warning against operation with genitals, lawmakers are saying that this is no longer enough and that companies should be held accountable for lax safety labels and enticingly-built packages.

The movement is catching the interest of key national figures as well. Senators Dick Durbin (D-IL) and Mike Crapo (R-ID) have picked up the idea and have pledged to fight “long and hard” to make the GONAD Initiative the law of the land.

“We will cram it deep into the books whether Congress is braced for it or not,” says Mona Lottz, a top aide to Rep Elijah Cummings (D-MD). “We’re in negotiations with Speaker John Boehner already. People will erect monuments to us for bringing this issue center stage. Big ones!”