You can probably already guess how I feel about #slacktivist campaigns to “raise awareness” (do nothing) that have become popular as of late. From child abuse to homelessness to human rights atrocities, slacktivism has put forth major efforts to do a whole lot of nothing about a whole lot of things. “Raising awareness” of a cause is the dipshit way of feeling good about charity, because it doesn’t actually involve you to do anything about it. God forbid you actually donate money to these causes, or volunteer at any of those organizations, you’re too busy hashtagging away all day and jerking yourself off over “how much you care.”
But now, we have the ice bucket challenge, a viral social media campaign that actually succeeds in getting something done. As of today, the ice bucket challenge has raised $53.3 million dollars for the ALS Association. Commonly known as Lou Gehrig’s disease despite the fact that Lou Gehrig never even had ALS, ALS is a condition that most of you probably don’t even know the first thing about. Good on you.
Of course, at this point everyone and their mother has heard of the ice bucket challenge, where you choose to either donate money to the ALS Foundation or get a bucket of ice water dumped on you. Upon choosing the latter, you then have to challenge someone else, thereby keeping the charity going and ruining a whole lot of shirts along the way. Everyone from Charlie Sheen to George W Bush and even Cookie Monster have participated, and by all accounts it has been a very successful, if Machiavellian, campaign.
Given the success off the ice bucket challenge, we already know that a slew of imitators is bound to follow. Marketing companies are going to vulture their way back into pop culture and inevitably fuck up the essence of the ice bucket challenge into a series of embarrassing failures that I can, for the time being, only imagine. Get kicked in the nuts for Feminism! Run a marathon for homeless puppies! Get eaten by sharks in the name of global warming! Shirts will be made and sold at a mark up with “proceeds” (dick) going to charity and you idiots will all jump on board and buy into it because rather that then actually legitimately doing something about a cause you care about.
The reason why the ice bucket challenge is such a success is because it punishes you for not donating. Having already raised as much money as they have, it’s clear that a lot of people (mostly celebrities but whatever) have chosen to donate the money and in some cases take the bucket to the face anyway in the spirit of charity. But think about all of the people who didn’t donate money and instead opted for the easy way out. Plenty of cheapasses would gladly take a bucket of ice water instead of giving money to someone else, and if you consider that it’s not boiling water so it can’t permanently disfigure you, once you dry off you’re good as new. Its summer time, you’ll warm back up easy. There is no lasting threat to not donating, just momentary discomfort. If you want to run a proper charity, you need to extort moar better. I propose instead of going the Public Relations route and trying to capitalize on the “fun” aspect of the ice bucket challenge, we should instead focus on what really made it successful: threatening people who don’t participate.
A bucket of ice is not threatening. You know what is threatening? Genital mutilation. With a genital mutiliation challenge you have something to lose by not donating. Donate money, or make a video of you cutting off your dick. What are we donating to you ask? Correcting the mistakes that you slacktivist fucktards have made in the past: rescuing kidnapped Nigerian school girls! The way it works is simple, I challenge you to donate money to a fund that will go to hire private military contractors to rescue children kidnapped by Boko Harem back in April. If you don’t donate, you have to permanently mutilate your own genitals. Why mutilate your own genitals? Because maybe after that, you can empathize with the 200 young girls who were snatched by a bunch of monkey fucking Muslim jungle rats, forced in to Islam, and then given Clitoridectomies because you’ll be just like them. Put away your faggot fucking hashtags and Inspi(red) shirts and take out your wallets, it’s time to quit jacking yourself off on Twitter and let real men get shit done.
You slacktivist pieces of shit should be fucking ashamed of yourselves for this campaign. #bringbackourgirls! #bringbackourgirls! Watch the mighty African Jihadist group cower in fear behind the power of middle America who doesn’t give a shit! Fuck each and every single person who participated in this bullshit campaign for getting in the way of what really needed to be done.
Gordon Brown wrote a piece on the 100th day anniversary of the kidnapping, saying that the girls “have not been forgotten” and that the Global March Against Child Labor is organizing candlelit vigils in the name of the girls we lost. I’m sure that will come as a deep and soothing comfort to the 11 and 12 year olds who have been genitally butchered and are being used as suicide bombers and sex slaves. In the Middle East, Twitter is used to overthrow governments. In America, it’s used to make lazy, self-righteous college kids brag about all the good they’re doing in the world because they retweeted something from a celebrity who also isn’t doing shit about the problem.
Fuck you losers, and shame on you. Or, of course, since the only thing that is “forcing” you to participate is an article on the fucking internet, you can just pretend that it never happened and not do anything, because #slacktivism is bullshit anyway. Just ask Joseph Koni or the Nigerian Schoolgirls who got their clitorises forcibly removed because we were too busy tweeting prayers to them to send a SEAL team. So go ahead and take the true test of empathy: take my genital mutilation challenge and donate to a cause that will actually get shit done or go fuck yourself and never use the plight of another to stroke yourself on social media ever again.
Runoff donations will be made to my foundation for recovering vegetarians, B.B.Q., or “Beef Bashers Quitting.”