Megan Fox

First Published 9-18-09

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how to start this one. There is so much about this filthy, miserable slut that I want to address that it seems overwhelming. Like the movie, “Jennifer’s Body,” that solidified her role in life as a shameless whore. Even the name alone leaves you with little doubt of the focus of the movie: Megan Fox flaunting her scrawny, diseased body in what is supposed to be a provocative thrill about vampires (or something) that will just end up as a teenage jerkfest bordering on softcore porn, starring one of the ugliest people in show business. Yeah, I said it. Megan Fox is fucking hideous. And so is pretty much every God-awful movie she has ever been in.

For a while, I never really gave a shit who or what a Megan Fox was. Then, during my daily headline scouring a while back, I came across one with everyone’s favorite actress the subject. The headline read: “Megan Fox Hates ‘Super Bible Beating People’ Of Middle America.” Anyone who knows me knows that I am very far from a “Super bible beating person,” nor do I really identify myself with any form of belief system. No that does not make me atheist or agnostic, I just don’t give a shit, and I don’t live in Middle America either. The main body of the article read something along the lines of:

“When asked how she would stop the ruthless Megatron from demolishing the world, Fox first said that she would “barter with him.” She then, however, went on to say, “… and instead of the entire planet, can you just take out all of the white trash, hillbilly, anti-gay, super bible-beating people in Middle America?”

So let me get this straight: I can only presume you’ve never been to Middle America, you’re far too entitled to have to grow up anywhere but Malibu. You obviously don’t like Christians, whatever, but you don’t state why. In doing so, I can only assume you hate them for no reason, implying further that you hate them because it’s the cool thing to do. And in Hollywood, that’s all that matters. I mean, they are easy targets, and you must have so much pent up anger from living a life of comfort and desire that you just had to take it out on someone. Why not those silly fanny-pack wearing farmers that you are so much better than? Furthermore, she wasn’t asked who she would want Megatron to destroy; she was asked what she would do to stop him from destroying. So she slipped in a comment about hating Christians just for spite. Now these “Middle America” people probably had nothing to do with your rise to stardom, I’m sure none of them have ever seen Transformers, and not a single honest dollar of theirs ever made its way into your pocket, so shit, why not poke at them?

So just from that quote alone, we now know what Megan Fox is: A rich, spoiled, spiteful and mindless bigot that only the twisted chic of Hollywood could produce.

It gets better.

In other interviews, she has been quoted in saying that she also hates “On screen kissing,” likening it to prostitution. Having seen even just the preview for “Jennifer’s Body,” and “Jonah Hex,” I can reasonably deduce that, under her very own moral code, she REALLY IS a prostitute. She also once said that “Micky Mouse” folks “made her sick.” But I say: A lot of good people came out of the Micky Mouse club. Justin Timberlake and Brittany Spears were both Mousketeers for crying out loud. Oh. Good point.

Everything this bitch does is a calculated act of sexual flaunt. She has eight tattoos, and publicly said that she gets them as a “fuck you” to people who tell her no. Holy hell, with that kind of rebellion present in one person, she could be the lead singer for “Rage Against the Machine.” Besides, tattoos are sexy, or trashy, I can’t remember which. One of her tattoos says: “there once was a little girl who never knew love until a boy broke her HEART.” Aww, poor girl got her heart broken. Guys dig that whole vulnerability thing, that self pity shit is just way too easy to fall for. As always with her, it’s just another act of willful sexual flaunting.

She claims to be a fan of jap-anime, and is sometimes seen wearing Star Wars shirts, claiming to be a fan since childhood. That way, virginal Star Wars/anime fans have something other than screen shots of Princess Lea and that creepy anime character hentai to jerk off to. She is the wet dream of every nardy fanboy, which isn’t saying much, because in order to be a fanboy’s wet dream you have to be:

A) Not fat
B) Not pimply
C) Your name must not end in .jpg

She probably doesn’t even know what Jap-anime is, which I guess is a good thing for her (because it sucks), but my point is that she is exploiting things like that to further her sexual image, because that’s what skags do. And it’s a good thing she makes so much money too, because she obviously needed to hire someone to figure out this shit for her, given that she is too stupid to do so herself.

However, there is always one tried-and-true tactic to get boys to pay attention to you. Well, there are two, but she can’t really show up naked with a six pack of beer to every individual person in America’s house, though I’m sure she would if possible. The other tactic in question is claiming to be bi-sexual. I say claiming to be because you really aren’t bisexual, you are just saying that because you’re an attention craving loser who both goes to high school and never had a boyfriend worth a shit because you’re too useless, or you are Megan Fox. Or both.

So she’s bi-sexual, and she makes this big PR campaign about how she fell in love with a female stripper once. This means that for one, she went to a strip club, which guys would find hot, and two, she wants to bang a chick, which guys would also find hot. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all for lesbianism, and I’m all for chicks doubling up on guys like me, especially when that guy is me. Chicks rule, and using my infallible logic, I have discovered that there are only two kinds of sexual relationships in this world: Straight sex and lesbian sex. If any two people are having sex, the one taking it is considered the woman, regardless if they actually are or not. So therefore, If a man and a woman are having sex, the woman is taking it, making her to woman, making it straight sex. If the woman is somehow having sex with the man, the man is designated the woman, and lesbianism ensues. If two women are having sex, it is obviously lesbianism. If two men are having sex, whichever one is taking it is the woman, hence, straight sex. So you see, lesbianism is so awesome that it is the ONLY other option.

Anyway, Megan Fox claims to be bi-sexual, claims to have the hots for strippers,Olivia Wilde, et al. Of course, as with everything else this stain has ever done, it is nothing but a publicity stunt for an overrated whore. Hell, she is even starring in a movie about a Hollywood up-and-coming actress titled “Whore.” It doesn’t get more obvious than that. Of course, you didn’t know that, because you were too busy drooling over the mental image of buying her for a night conjured up by The Dictator to pay attention to anything else she does.

I’m literally the only guy I know who thinks Megan Fox is a dumb ugly cunt. Which naturally means you’re all wrong and I’m awesome. In fact, Megan Fox, if you ever end up reading this: I formally challenge you to a fistfight. When was the last time you got your cocksucking little face kicked around a parking lot? Probably never, which is why you’re an arrogant little shit now. Bring it on, slut.


UPDATE: A few months after the initial posting of this article, dearest Megan posed for a NY Times Magazine photo shoot. The resulting image was a product of it:

So this blind man walked past a fish market…

Now this picture was deemed an “out take” from the shoot but that didn’t stop it from going viral after it was “accidentally” leaked on the internet, much like the “out takes” from her Rolling Stone photo shoot, her Bazaar photo shoot, her GQ photo shoot, her Elle photo shoot, her FHM photo shoot, her Maxim photo shoot, and her Esquire photo shoot. Whoops!

To label this picture an “out take” is to enter a state of denial I thought was only reserved for people like Al Gore and Scott Peterson. Are we supposed to believe that she was simply limbering up before another set of pictures, and oops! The camera accidentally went off? Did she slip on the floor while trying to pull gum off her shoe? Or did she seize yet another opportunity to shamelessly whore herself out for more publicity, just like she did in her Rolling Stone photo shoot, her Bazaar photo shoot, her GQ photo shoot, her Elle photo shoot, her FHM photo shoot, her Maxim photo shoot, and her Esquire photo shoot? All this coming from a woman who can’t shut up about how low her self esteem is. Trashiness knows no bounds. I hope you die during childbirth.