A showdown of brilliant black dudes, who will walk away the victor?
First name means:
Miles Bennet Dyson – According to Behind The Name: “From the Germanic name Milo, introduced by the Normans to England in the form Miles. The meaning is not known for certain. It is possibly connected to the Slavic name element mil meaning “gracious”.”
Neil deGrasse Tyson – According to Behind The Name: “From the Gaelic name Niall, which is of disputed origin, possibly meaning “champion” or “cloud”.”
Winner: Tyson. If meant “Champion,” it means you win hard at something, and being a winner is better than being gracious. Even if Neil meant “cloud,” it’s almost prescient that his parents named him that given his area of specialty, which still makes it cooler than being gracious.
Shares a last name with:
Miles Bennet Dyson – Freeman Dyson, a theoretical physicist who is famous for proposing ideas like surrounding a star with solar panels to harvest its energy and shooting comets with bio-engineered plants that produce a usable atmosphere inside hollow spaces of said comet
Neil deGrasse Tyson – Mike Tyson, one of the greatest boxers and worst judges of tattoo placement in the world.
Winner: Dyson. If Mike Tyson can even comprehend the concept of what a Dyson Sphere is, maybe I’ll reconsider.
Title:
Miles Bennet Dyson – Director of Special Projects at Cyberdyne Systems Inc.
Neil deGrasse Tyson – Frederick P. Rose Director of the Hayden Planetarium at the Rose Center for Earth and Space
Winner: Dyson. Not as prestigious or wordy a moniker as Tyson’s, but a title like “Director of Construction of Giant Indestructible War Robots Capable of Destroying Humanity” isn’t very subtle. Who the fuck is Frederick P. Rose anyway? Unless he taught John Connor how to blow up robots, it doesn’t impress me.
Claim to fame:
Miles Bennet Dyson – Designing via reverse engineering a robot from the future a revolutionary microprocessor that would eventually power an artificial intelligence smart and angry enough to hack into NORAD and nuke the entire world.
Neil deGrasse Tyson – Twice appointed by George W Bush to serve in commissions on the future of the American space program.
Winner: Tyson. Though Dyson’s achievement is no small feat, it inadvertently dooms the human race, making it definably uncool, giving this victory to Tyson if only by default.
In his off hours:
Miles Bennet Dyson – Sits at his computer and gets shot at by Sarah Conner.
Neil deGrasse Tyson – Rags on world religions for “thwarting the advance of scientific progress.”
Winner: Tie. Both are pretty lame and pretty cool at the same time.
Likes to consume:
Miles Bennet Dyson – C4
Neil deGrasse Tyson – Fine wine, whatever the fuck that means.
Winner: Dyson. Wine is for pussies. Take plastic explosives to the face instead.
In college:
Miles Bennet Dyson – No one knows, but it probably had a lot to do with being stuffed in a locker.
Neil deGrasse Tyson – Won a gold medal at the International Latin Ballroom Dance competition.
Winner: Tyson. Now imagine someone photoshopping his head over John Travolta’s body in the dance-off scenes in Saturday Night Fever.
Associates with:
Miles Bennet Dyson – A militant psycho-mom who fucked her son’s best friend (who was also his father) and has a gigantic cache of weapons buried in the Mexican desert.
Neil deGrasse Tyson – Stephen Colbert.
Winner: Dyson by a mile. Fuck Stephen Colbert.
Enemies:
Miles Bennet Dyson – A shape shifting liquid-metal robot.
Neil deGrasse Tyson – Creationists
Winner: Dyson. Tyson gets no points for pissing off monotheists, because doing so is really, really easy.
Winner by decision is Miles Bennet Dyson. 5-3 Sorry Tyson fans and fake scientists, you’ve been had by a fictional fucking character. Go worship your pop-culture science god somewhere else, preferably at the bottom of a very deep hole.