Stop Ruining My Sandwiches With Your Stupid Bullshit, And Other First World Problems

I thought I ordered a hamburger, not a mayo-lettuce-pickle-onion-tomato sandwich. From what I understand a hamburger is a piece of burned beef in between two slices of bread. So why then, when I ordered one from insert-restaurant-here, did they give me a heaping pile of vegetables, mustard, and shit?

Maybe there was just a lack of communication and I could not simply convey the “make me a sandwich” message clearly enough. Whatever the reason was, I sure as hell didn’t get what I ordered. My favorite thing about eating food is when other people ruin it for me. I can’t tell you how exciting it is to bite into a sandwich I just ordered from a shitty sub shop on my half-hour lunch break and have things that I didn’t order on the sandwich get in the way of me and what I want to eat.

I walked into Quick Trip before work the other day to get a drink, and for reasons I cannot begin to give a shit about, they were giving away free sample sandwiches as some sort of promotion. Okay, sure, what’s so bad about a free sandwich? I took one and brought it to work with me. When I went to put it in the break room fridge, I noticed that there was mayo on the sandwich. When I took off the top piece of bread to remove the mayo, I noticed that there was mustard on the other end of the sandwich. Why stop there, master chef? Throw on some sauerkraut, horseradish, and cranberry spread too! Who the fuck are these people to assume that I want mayo AND mustard on my sandwich at the same time? Or even to assume that I wanted one or the other or even anything? I’m pretty sure it should be up to whoever the fuck is eating the sandwich to decide what condiment or sauce gets to seep into their bread and make it soggy and unappealing to look at, because by golly, this is America damnit!

Approximately 93,000 Americans are allergic to mustard, that means no free sandwich for them! I know what you’re thinking; I’m getting butthurt over a free sandwich. But how many times have you ordered a sandwich from Jimmy Johns or a burger from anywhere only to have it piled high with extra shit you didn’t ask for? Am I the only person who is sick of scraping relish off of the top of my sandwich with a napkin when I didn’t even ask for it? Even when you do order your sandwich plain (burgers are sandwiches too, asshole), half the time all that lettuce-y bullshit still makes its way onto your plate. Who the fuck does the cook think they are to assume what I want on my food? Why should my sad excuse for a lunch break be ruined by your sad excuse for a sandwich? Tomato juice seeps into the cold cuts, pickles ooze into the bun or a burger, and have you ever tried to completely remove the sour mustard taste from a beef patty that’s been marinating in it for the past ten minutes? There reaches a point when a slice of bread is so soaked and soggy with olive oil or vinegar that it cannot legally be classified as a slice of bread anymore. I didn’t want this, I’d have told you how to ruin my meal if I chose for you to.

There are some people who think these asinine assumptions are a good idea. There were people who thought the PayWave system for debt cards was a good idea. I know these people existed because someone had to have given this plan the green light. Instead of going through all of the hassle to remove your card from your wallet, swipe it in that narrow band on the POS machine, and put the card back in your pocket, why don’t the banks just put an RF chip inside your card that broadcasts your bank account info on a radio frequency for six inches in every direction, so that you can now remove your card from your wallet, wave it somewhere generally in front of the cash machine, and put it back in your pocket instead? Think of the convenience! The time saved! What people failed to realize is that not only does the difference in effort between a swipe and a wave amounts to fuck-nothing, but having your bank account information broadcast everywhere is kind of a dumb and unsafe idea. Well worry not folks, because they also make metallic wallets that will block the RF chip from broadcasting outside of your pocket so any person with low hands and a smart phone can’t cop out your information for a laughable effort, so you will also need to take the extra step and buy that new wallet too. Why don’t you just nip the problem in the bud, take those stupid fucking chips out of our credit cards, and eliminate all of the unnecessary steps required just to add the false perception of convenience to an already menial task?

The exact same logic can be applied to assuming all sandwiches are ordered plain unless otherwise noted. One could argue the opposite, that it isn’t much effort to order it plain instead, but when the waiter fucks up your order, and he will fuck up your order, you have to either deal with the tomato acid absorbed into your sandwich cheese and making it curdle, or send it back and wait for them to make you another. If you order a sandwich with mustard and it doesn’t come with, it’s a lot easier to add it after the fact that it would be to take it out when the damage has already been done.

Some people consider it a courtesy to have those items automatically put on their food, but these people fail to realize that the world doesn’t revolve around them. Its way too much work to have to ask additionally for lettuce and tomato, you should just know to add it on there. Sounds like a woman’s way of thinking to me, and if it is a woman’s way of thinking, it’s automatically wrong and should be changed immediately before it fucks everything up even more.

How about instead of masking your sub-par culinary craftsmanship with a bunch of wet weeds, you take that shit out of the assembly line unless it’s directly asked for? It’s a lot easier to ask for ketchup than to smear it off of a burger. And just think about all the money you’ll save by not putting useless, flavorless distractions on my sandwich. Why, you may even save so much money in filler that you’d be able to put more than one piece of ham on my Subway Club! We’re at the brink of a brave new world here, don’t let your fear of doing people favors hold you back.

So maybe I’m picky about my food where others aren’t, but the bottom line is if you’re a chef or a short order cook or even some teenage jack off at a drive-thru window, don’t be an assumptive ass. Here’s a tip: unless I ask you for it, I probably don’t fucking want it.