Dismantling Hollywood.com

Most of you, I pray, have never been to hollywood.com, the only people who read celebrity gossip bullshit are too stupid to enjoy things that are actually worth reading, like my stuff. Whether you’ve ever been to the site or not, you can deduce the general theme of its content. I recently was pointed to this website that despite the painfully obvious domain name, I never knew existed (because I don’t give a shit about celebrity gossip) over an article about Dr. Who. Now I like Dr. Who, and I’ve got some friends who are diehard Who fans, and that’s great. Whatever. Once I took the bait and followed the link to the article, I got bombarded so heavily with literary excrement and asinine assumptions that if a magic wave came over the website and turned it into a human being, it could win the Presidency of Mexico.

First off, the article in question was about how a bunch of self-centered, annoying fans were clamoring for a cross-over between Dr. Who and BBC’s Sherlock (not the shitty American version with the female Watson). Why exactly the two series were selected for a crossover was… I actually don’t know. They’re both British shows? The same guy writes both scripts? Cool… How did we not see the obvious connections sooner!?

So just because Steve Moffat writes both shows, Dr. Who fans went all sorts of apeshit over the idea that there should be a crossover between the shows, or at least a crossover between actors. What the Dr. Who fans fail to realize is that people who watch Sherlock don’t give a flying fuck about Dr. Who. Wanna know why? Because they aren’t watching Dr. Who, they are watching Sherlock. I know Dr. Who is a hugely successful show, but that doesn’t mean its fans can run around demanding that other TV shows pay homage to it. That’s the pinnacle of self-centered social masturbation. What the fuck makes your opinion so important? Aside from both stories taking place in England, these two stories are fundamentally and irreconcilably different. One deals with a sleuthing detective, the other with a time travelling phone both. If you want to make different franchises acknowledge each other just to generate a fangasm, go watch a Marvel Studios movie and eat a big bowl of shut-the-fuck-upcorn while you are at it.

I digress. What bothered me most about hollywood.com wasn’t the snootiness of this one particular article, it was the snootiness of EACH AND EVERY SINGLE ARTICLE on their site. Like most tabloid and blog sites, there is a sidebar that links to other content. Here are some examples of the fine pieces of journalism Hollywood.com has to offer:

How I Met Your Mother Racism hollywood.com

How I Met Your Mother is racism? That’s the sort of thing you would assume after reading that tagline. Based on the supplied picture, the “racism” is present in an episode where Marshall goes to a kung fu dojo to better learn how to slap people. The dojo is run by an Asian dude with an Asian son who sends him on an Asian quest in Asia to meet a bunch of Asian grand masters who teach him the Asian secrets to Asian slapping.

See? RACISM! …I think.

Wait, how is that racist at all? Are you implying that it is racist to have an Asian man in charge of a kung fu school? Didn’t the Asians invent kung fu? Wouldn’t it be racist to NOT have the Asian in charge of the dojo? So what the fuck is the problem? Is it because the episode is laid out like a Chinese fairy tale? Using that line of reasoning, Disney’s Brave is racist too for drawing on Scottish mythology. Or maybe there’s really no racism at all and you are just too much of an oversensitive pantywaste to handle the horrors of cable TV.

Moving on to the next trending article, we find…

Amy Adams hollywood.co,

Let me guess: be hot, get paid. Good life advice.

Daniel radcliffe hollywood.com

Since Daniel Radcliffe has only made 1 non-Harry Potter movie, I think I can guess what the 9 movie plots will be.

RuePaul Drag Race hollywood.com

EVERYTHING WHAT? That is not a complete sentence. If I wanted to play mad libs, I’d buy the book.

Real Housewives of Beverly Hills hollywood.com

Didn’t some reporter just get a new asshole ripped into him for asking the same thing about HBO’s Girls? Not that I would ever defend that shallow abomination show. Lena Dunham is like a moldy bowl of uncooked pancake batter: doughy, pale, unenjoyable, and disappointing.

Beyonce Michelle Obama hollywood.com

Must be nice to be able to have millionaires hang out at your birthday party when your husband is in charge of a country in the middle of a recession and unemployment crisis.

Quentin Tarantino hollywood.com

After the boring disappointment that was Inglorious Bastards and the self-serving, poorly written wreck that was Deathproof, why not? It’s not like his reputation could be any more damaged. Quentin Tarantino is one of the worst directors in Hollywood. His movies suck. Pulp Fiction was dumb and people need to move the fuck on. People who obsess over Tarantino movies should be forced to kill their own families.

The moral of the story: Hollywood.com is a site for assholes and all of their contributors can eat a dick.