The Death Penalty

First Published 3-10-09

Remember a few years ago, when UFC got really popular? Everyone loved watching two guys beat the shit out of each other inside of a steel cage. Badass as it was, if you are anything like me, I bet you wished there were no real rules to these fights, so two anabolic chuds could just hammer each other to death on Pay Per View for your viewing pleasure. Some douchy steakhead gets the axe, you get a few good laughs, everyone wins. Except the guy who gets paid minimum wage to clean the blood off of the octagon, though I’d imagine that would be a very rewarding job in its own right.

And now, allow me to divulge for a moment on to something as-of-yet unrelated, the ever so hot topic of the Death Penalty. And not as in Hot Topic the store, or as I like to refer to it: Pop Gothic. Seriously, what the fuck is up with that stupid store? Prepubescent kids get their fucking rocks off buying pre-packed and corporate approved “goth” clothing. That’s right, the rebelliousness that became the hallmark of a generation was sold to them by the corporate “sellouts” they so hate. You think Hot Topic is somehow special, that they understand the need for counterculture, and that’s why they painstakingly sift through modern trends tell you what is and isn’t cool? No, they know you’ll buy their stupid Twilight shirt because they know you are too stupid to think for yourself, because if you did, you’d realize what a crock of shit that place is. There is a Hot Topic in every mall in North America, there are even at least six of them in Puerto Rico, and something about that just seems to scream “underground”, now doesn’t it? You know what else there is in every shopping mall in America? A Macy’s, a Dillards, a McDonalds, a Gap, and an American Eagle. Does it surprise you that such a “bad ass rebel” store “that understands you” can be in the same category as Hollister? If you took a second and removed your lips from being firmly placed on Betsy McLaughlin’s (CEO of Hot Topic INCORPORATED [Nasdaq: HOTT]) asshole, maybe you would stop eating shit for long enough to realize that you aren’t special, you aren’t a vampire, The Used sucks, and your opinion doesn’t matter.

Now, back on to the Death Penalty. Is it wrong? Is it right? Seventy-nine percent (79%) of ALL violent criminals are repeat offenders. That includes those who commit robbery, assault, rape, and murder.

Seventy-nine percent. Of every one hundred rapists and murderers that get locked up, 79 of them, upon release will commit ANOTHER violent crime. States like California, who have all but abolished the Death Penalty, are wallowing in their vast pools of felons who by all means should have been put to death for the greater good of society because it is “inhumane” to kill them, even those who have killed others. Even Charles Manson is still alive, rotting away in prison in California, being fed and housed on the taxpayer’s dime, because even though he killed like a million people, he is a human being and human beings have feelings and all that other nonsensical hippie gibberish California is so famous for. Go look up the percent of repeat offenders in California versus the percent in Texas. In Texas the Death Penalty is strictly enforced and is considered invaluable to the justice system, something I actually learned watching the Blue Collar Comedy Tour.

This serves THREE main purposes. Number one, of course, to kill the offending criminal, ensuring they will never again repeat whatever crime they committed. The second is a byproduct of the first, in that if someone goes and kills five people, and then gets apprehended and electrocuted, injected, gassed, or whatever method of death the state decides to deal out, you bet your ass they won’t be able to go out and kill five more people. It keeps unsuspecting everyday people safe from someone who could be a menace to society. The third and final purpose of the death penalty is that of intimidation. Say after making an example of a child rapist by taking them out back of the prison and shooting them, you can bet that any other pedophile will think twice before offering some little girl candy from the back of his van ever again. If you know the penalty for the crime you are about to commit is death, and you know that your state is not afraid to kill you, you can be surefire that it would make you think twice before committing said crime.

Cities like LA are famous for the sheer amount of crime that breeds in them. Some people have attempted to explain this off by blaming the large population of illegal immigrants living in the city, but consider this; San Antonio Texas is about the same distance from the US-Mexico border as LA is, yet San Antonio isn’t famous for its crime. That’s because in California you can kill someone and the state doesn’t give a shit, because it’s inhumane to punish you. In Texas, if you kill someone, the state is going to ruin your shit so hard that IT WILL SCARE OTHER PEOPLE OUT OF DOING WHAT YOU HAVE DONE.

Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think anyone who commits any crime should die, and I don’t think that this is the only factor in such a layered issue as what causes violent crime. I think the rules that stand are ample, and the Death Penalty shouldn’t be handed out like anti-depressants at a doctor’s office. It should be carefully considered against the nature of the crime. I don’t think however that we have an efficient Death Row system. But if we spent HALF the time and energy on making it more productive as we do on attempting to abolish it, I think people would have much less of a case against it.

Being the genius that I of course am, I have devised a master plan that covers a broad spectrum of problems, in those of both saving television from horrid reality TV AND in reforming the Death Penalty, which in no way, shape or form was taken from an idea that George Carlin once had. I propose that UFC and the Federal & State Governments come to an agreement to have Death Row convicts fight each other to the death. It can be a special segment on the regular UFC program, maybe they could call it “A Lose Lose Situation”, because whoever doesn’t get killed in the match gets to go back to Death Row and await the chair. It will be UFC without rules like everyone wanted from the get go.

Think about it, convicts on Death Row are sitting around, knowing they are going to die anyways. We are on the couch at home, wishing the gloves could come off so Brock Lesnar could break some guy’s neck. Ratings will go through the roof, and if you think people don’t want to see violence to such a caliber on TV, look up a little genre of cinema called the “Slasher” flick. They are making Friday the 13th Part 11 this year, so don’t tell me people don’t like watching violence.

The layout is brilliant in its simplicity. It will be a standard one-on-one bare-knuckle fight. Whoever beats the other contestant to death first gets to live just a little longer (on Death Row of course). Every once in a while, there can be special match ups, you know, where you could match up two serial killers. But here’s the spin: they get to use their weapon of choice that they committed their murders with. Axe Murderer VS Jimmy the Brick, ratings will be atmospheric!

And why stop there? Hell, we should make death matches the cornerstone of our judicial system. Fighting over who caused the car accident? Death match! Child custody dispute? Death match! Who gets the money left in grandpa’s will? Death match! Who won the Gubernatorial race this cycle? For the love of God, death match!

Time to time, there may be an influx or spike of criminals who enter Death Row and overcrowding becomes an issue. That’s when you host a tag-team or Cage Match Free-For-All, to remove multiple problems at once. The more convicts can use each other as weapons, and can even make costumes for themselves before the fight. It’ll be like The Running Man meets Tekken meets The Condemned, and it will be the most badass anything to have ever existed, and maybe just maybe it’ll stifle the torrents of worthless “Reality” TV shows about stupid ethnic sluts with fake tits. Television will be worth watching again, the world will be a safer place, we will have found a new use for the Roman Coliseum, and most importantly I’d probably win a Nobel Prize for my contribution to society.