First Published 4-15-09
Throughout the annals of history, humanity has pulled itself slowly but surely out of the primal and into the civilized world. For why this happened is of course a matter of much speculation and debate, but one thing is certain: a select few people, a select few ideas have been the catalyst for our rapid ascendance into the throne of our planet. Inventions like the plow, the wheel, the sword, Christopher Walken, and the wooden ship have increased the developmental rate of humanity tenfold. We constantly read about famous inventors taking their places beside kings in history books, about how indomitable will and a sharp intellect can conquer any foe. What these men did not understand is that sometimes a man’s greatest enemy is himself, or more specifically, his stupid ideas.
Some of the worst things have been the product of the best intentions. Some of the biggest clusterfucks have been the result of the best laid plans. Some of the smartest people in the world have done some pretty damn stupid things. These people, of course, are not immune to the merciless eye of mockery (I envision it like Sauron from Lord of the Rings, but you know… actually useful), and I believe, deserve credit where credit is due. Bearing these things in mind, I have compiled a list of the top ten inventions that have gone horribly wrong and the people who invented them.
#1 The Airplane
Invented by Leonardo DaVinci, Orville and Wilbur Wright.
Since the dawn of time, mankind has looked to the skies and wished for the freedom of wings. Since the dawn of war, mankind as looked to the skies and seen a valuable, but unattainable new avenue of conquest. That is, until the Wright brother came along and granted people their wishes. Blueprints from DaVinci’s notebooks show a design for a working helicopter, but it was the visionary insight of the Wright brothers that finally brought human terror to the skies. Originally designed for human transport and even to serve the US Post Office, airplanes are now almost universally recognized as weapons of war. Even passenger airliners are destructive tools, as the 9-11 attacks have taught. Still not convinced? Well what the fuck were the Fat Man and Little Boy ATOMIC BOMBS dropped out of? Congratulations Orville and Wilbur Wright, your so called innovations helped massacre an entire country. And that makes you A O.K. in my book. Better yet, you lived long enough to see it happen. Keep up the good work!
#2 The Cellular Phone
Invented by Martin Cooper (first practical design)
Give me convenience or give me death! Every man, woman, and ungrateful child in the USA has a cell phone these days, because you know, everyone’s stupid everyday drama needs an audience. I can’t count how many times I’ve been clued into the mundane details of other people’s lives because they can’t shut the fuck up on their phone in public places. Predating other means of gratuitous social masturbation (see #9) by decades, the cell phone can now play shitty music, play shitty games, watch shitty YouTube videos, and take shitty pictures that you can send to your shitty friends. The only thing worse than people who can’t shut up on their phones in public are people who can’t shut up behind the wheel of their…
#3 The Automobile
Invented by Karl Benz (modern design)
If I had a dollar for every time I almost got hit by someone bitching on their phone while they were driving, I’d be able to afford enough ammunition to kill them all. Owning a car is the quickest way in the world to get into SOME sort of trouble. You have a lower chance of dying if you jumped into a lion’s den wearing a meat tuxedo, and that’s a statistically proven fact. Being a car wreck veteran (Nine and counting, not a point of pride, but as of this writing not a single one being my fault) I can tell you firsthand how dangerous a wayward automobile is. Karl Benz introduced and Henry Ford made affordable the luxury of the automobile, a form of transportation that didn’t smell like livestock and could go long distances without stopping with hopes to take the then tedious routine of horse-drawn travel and mould it into something accessible and easier for everyone. The problem with that was, these days everyone is an idiot. I bet never in his wildest dreams did Henry Ford think he would indirectly be responsible for the deaths of 1.2 million people every year. More people die in car accidents a year than die of cancer. Fucking cancer! But I bet you if he was around now to see what he has done, he’d feel like a pretty big asshole. The only thing more dangerous than driving a car is driving it after numerous shots of…
Invented by Pedro Sánchez de Tagle
Drinking is fun, few will deny that. But only the poor souls who starred in Two Girls Once Cup will tell you that vomiting is fun as well. I can count on one hand the number of stories I’ve heard involving tequila that HAVEN’T ended in vomiting. It is no coincidence that every civilization the world has ever seen has discovered the art of distilling. Some however, have got it down better than others. Not to say tequila is a terrible drink, but I mean hell, Draino or crude oil will make you vomit too. Tequila is the ultimate drunken cock-tease. Sure it gets women naked, but it also gets them to throw up all over your bed sheets before you can even put the spurs to her. I wonder how many blue-balled party hosts have sat on the floor next to their soiled sheets and asked themselves “Why didn’t a buy vodka instead?”
#5 The Machine Gun
Invented by Sir Hiram Maxim
Don’t get me wrong, full auto is the best way to go. Firing a fully automatic weapon is like ejaculating twenty times per second at the touch of a button, only your cumshots kill people. What makes this an invention that went horribly wrong is that the Machine Gun was invented by a medical doctor, who’s intent was to find a way to have less infantrymen secure a larger area. Two men with machine guns is about as effective as twenty without. It makes sense in a one sided way, less casualties on one side, less work for doctors, et cetera. What is ironic is that while one side will suffer less, the other will suffer far more. And did it ever occur to Maxim that maybe the “enemy,” whoever they may be, would eventually get their own and wreck his own side of the fight? Points for effort doc, but the irony is too strong to not label your mission a failure.
Invented (kind of) by Alexander Flemming
Saving the lives of millions is not a failure in most circles. However, maintaining a laboratory dedicated to saving such lives in a non-sterile environment to the point of which God damned bread mold is flying through the air is. Apparently maintaining a laboratory with even sub-reasonable sanitation standards in the early 1900s was harder than getting away with road head in a lowrider. You got lucky Flemming, too bad being an unkempt jackass doesn’t pan out for everyone.
Invented by Dr. Craig Newlands
Are you against animal cruelty? If so, I don’t want to be your friend. Whether Dr. Newlands was worried for the animals or just bored with his chemistry set, one way or another he invented ketamine, a tranquilizer for small animals. His noble efforts have standardized once painful precedures on a variety of animals from mice, cats, dogs, and even to a degree, horses. Every veterinarian in the world has probably come into contact with this animal-loving drug, unfortunately so have a vast number of ravers, and the last thing ravers need is more reason to dress up like homoerotic zebras and wag shiny things at each other in the corners of abandoned warehouses, though there is something poetic about turning an old tire factory into a state-of-the-art pedophile assembly line. You see, when insufflated or injected in small amounts, ketamine brings about a pleasing numbing of the human body. In large amounts, it makes your soul rip clear of your body on a spiritual and psychedelic interstellar mindfuck journey through the depths of your unconscious mind. Ketamine hitting the streets has allowed for a whole new brand of annoying druggie to flourish. And it makes you look like an utter tool.
Invented by the Japanese
Where to begin? Anime is the “slang” term for Japanese Animation, or in other words, Japanese cartoons. Only thing is, if you tell any anime fan that it’s just a cartoon, they are liable to throw Naruto replica kunai at you out of rage. Anime began in the early 1900s as a Japanese means to identify itself apart from Western Cultures using distinct animation styles and plots. Now, almost one hundred years later, every fat, virginal, pimply, and or otherwise culturally lacking teenager (even up to overweight men in their mid 30s) have latched on to anime as if it were the second coming of Christ. Cosplay, “LARPs”(live action role play), manga, apparel, and replica Keyblades rule the shelves of comic book stores and the day to day lives of all who fall victim to anime. It has even gone so far as to have clinical terms for common themes amongst its viewers. For example, did you know that when a hapless loser falls in love with a cartoon character, it is called “wifu?” Such people usually lead productive lives as Prize Boys at Chuck E Cheese or car wash operators. They’ll be the envy of other “weaboos” (Japanophiles) if they can scrape up enough cash between buying the latest “Priest” Dōjinshi (because its totally not a comic book if it’s written in Japanese) to move out of their parent’s house by the age of forty with a girlfriend who’s name doesn’t end it .JPG. Thirteen year old losers-to-be will swarm over any Hot Topic-sold Bleach or Ghost in the Shell merchandise and devour it as eagerly as an Ethiopian in a steakhouse before becoming indoctrinated to the lingo of a culture that substitutes full-time employment and meaningful social interaction with unnecessary Japanese labels, an unlimited World of Warcraft subscription, and animated porn of chicks with gigantic dicks.
Being arguably worse than Star Wars fans in every way (at least Star Wars is American), they line up the night before the Dragonball live action movie premier, and can’t wait to hold online discussion groups with their Horde clan members as to how faithful the translation was from TV show to film. These people even jack off to animated Japanese pornography of their favorite characters being raped by dogs, robots, or demons, called yaoi and yuri (gay and lesbian respectively, because you can’t just fucking call it that because there is a huge difference between being gay in real life and being gay in an asian-drawn cartoon) depending on how many cocks are present in the picture. Don’t like dicks? You’re in luck; just download some tentacle rape scenarios, or Powerpuff Girls threesome action. You might need to re-read that last couple of sentences a few times before it sinks in how fucking absurd this bullshit subhuman subculture really is. Still don’t get it? Google search “egg-laying dick nipples,” but don’t say I didn’t warn you.
All of this is, of course, a product of that fact that Americans have no fucking culture of their own, and desperately grasp for some sort of nonsense trend to latch their mouth onto the balls of. These same people can be seen eating EVERYTHING with chopsticks, only because it’s what they think Asian people do. I mean fuck, I’m Asian myself and I think chopsticks are the stupidest pain in the ass way to ever eat anything. If you desperately want to latch onto the Japanese culture because you are too ashamed to be without one of your own, why don’t you follow the part of Japanese culture that makes it okay for you to kill yourself, that way you won’t pollute the rest of the world with your ugly, trite, uncultured, born-to-fail, worthless seed. Save the planet, kill a cosplayer.
#9 The Internet
Invented by Vint Cerf (Not Al Gore)
Obviously, the internet has empowered precisely the WRONG people. And go ahead, call me a hypocrite, but I’m here because you like it, or else you wouldn’t be reading this. So fuck you.
#10 North Korea
Invented by Kim Il-sung
Did something ever go more wrong? This Communist state, founded in 1948 by Kim Il-sung, and later passed on to the infamous Kim Jong-il, has intentionally done absolutely everything it has ever done completely back-asswards. It’s like they tried to hard to fail at everything they do. Be it Comunism in general, the fact that they spent years of GDP on a nuclear arms program that produced a warhead with the explosive force of a car battery, or their recent launch of a space-bound missile in clear violation of every international law ever made (which didn’t even make it into space by the way), North Korea has, in every sense of the idea, gone horribly wrong. It’s economy is now entirely dependent upon foreign aid. You name it; Korea can’t do it for itself. The only thing it has ever achieved on its own is being the butt of a 90 minute joke masterfully penned by Trey Parker and Matt Stone. Chubby loser Kim Jong-un won’t hesitate to flex his nonexistent military might against any country that dare make a mockery of his great nation or his uncanny resemblance to K-pop singer Psy. Unfortunately for him, they haven’t been able to build a working launch button for his windmill powered nuclear “missiles,” else he surely would have conquered the world by now.
There we have it, the undisputed list of historical failures. If you’ve gotten this far, I bet you even learned a thing or two about the wonderful world we frequent, like exactly how un-wonderful it really is. There are three kinds of people in this world. Morons, famous morons, and me. Keeping that in mind, I hope the next time you have a wonderful, revolutionary idea, you consider how stupid it really is, how many people’s lives it is going to ruin, and if it has potentially fatal consequences to whoever partakes in your idea. If it does indeed pan out to fatal, you might just redeem yourself in death if you take your family with you too.
I must add, however, an Honorable Mention goes to The Crucifix (Invented by The Romans, Inverted by Satan), because I’m sure Jesus wants to be reminded of the horrible things done to him in your name every time you ask him for help winning the lottery. It must be very flattering to have not an image of you looked upon for guidance, but a depiction of you being tortured, stabbed, and hung. The only reason the Second Coming hasn’t happened yet is probably because Jesus would come back and immediately have PTSD upon seeing effigies of his torture strung up in half the world’s households.