Now Matter How You Look At It, Football Is Gay

First Published 4-26-09

I know football season is over, but stupidity, it seems never dies. Even months after the Cardinals rightfully lost the last Stupid Bowl, I can still hear echoes of inbred hicks bitching about this stupid sport and how their hopes and dreams were crushed when the Cardinals lost. First of all, being a lifetime Arizona resident, I feel I am qualified to make the following statement: The Arizona Cardinals are the worst sports team ever. I’m pretty sure if the Special Olympics had an American Football competition, any single one of teams could outplay the Cardinals. And at first I wondered why the Special Olympics didn’t indeed have an American Football event, but then it hit me. All of the retards are already playing Pro Football. I mean, you have to be pretty stupid to WANT to jump on other hulking degenerates over a rubber toy. Then again, you have to be pretty stupid to pay to see such things either, let alone set aside three hours of your day just to do so.

The parading idiocy of Pro Football far from ends there. Even the name, when you consider it, speaks volumes. Football is already the name of a sport. A sport played, for that matter in EVERY OTHER COUNTRY IN THE WORLD. Yet somehow Americans saw it fit to tell everyone in the world that the sport they’ve been playing forever had to be re-named so a small fraction of the world’s 6.5 billion people didn’t have to think of something else to call it. And so, the moniker “soccer” was born. How stupid of a name is soccer for that matter? What the hell does it even mean? It’s an ugly English word that someone probably pulled out of their ass. Not saying that soccer is any better of a sport then its nomenclatural counterpart, the only reason soccer is the most popular sport in the world is because you don’t need to buy equipment to play it, that way, even children in third world countries can partake. You don’t need a net, a bat, or goal posts. All you really need is a round rock and a line in the dirt. Can’t find any rocks? Just play with a severed head. Places like Mexico and Iraq have those in abundance these days.

And speaking of equipment, if you need any further proof that American Football is a stupid and latently homosexual sport, just look at the fucking gear pro footballers use! Spandex pants, a rubber ball, a mouth guard (to protect against the money shots). It is a very simple equation to grasp really, but knowing that I’m talking to simple people, I’ve concocted a graphic formula to spell it out for you.

To make matters worse, such behavior is encouraged in middle and high schools as well! High school football has got to be the biggest crock of shit I’ve ever encountered. It allows delinquent and otherwise plain ol’ fucking stupid students to get excused from class to practice, encourages elitist behavior, and squanders the funding and time of our school districts. Most high school football teams are better funded then any combination of education departments at the same school. It gives students who are destined to fail the opportunity to conduct themselves like kings around the people who’s cars they’ll probably be fixing later in life. It allows them to harass the other kids who God for-fucking-bid are smarter than them. Their punishment? A slap on the ass in the showers after a sweaty game of man-tackle. Most people who play high school football don’t even make it into their college teams, let alone go “Pro.” They graduate with maybe a 2 point GPA, and can never seem to hold even the most menial jobs because they don’t know how the fuck the real world works when they suddenly are in it and realize no one is going to kiss their ass because they can throw a ball anymore, and their drunk of a football coach isn’t there to bail their drooling selves out when they fuck up.

Never underestimate the power (and lucrativity) of stupidity in overwhelming numbers. Never mind the fact that football players make millions and millions of your dollars every year, and if you’re a football fan, you wonder why you drive a shitty car and live in a shitty house? It’s because your money goes to nothing but piss-water Miller Light beer, La-Z-Boys, and funding this shit to make it the billion-dollar industry it is now. I get that it is an issue of supply and demand, and believe me I’m just as disappointed in both sides of the equation: the professional dog fighters who play the sport, and the professional rednecks who pay to watch it. Only in America can convicted felons still go on to make more money than the President of the United States. Over 1/5th of all NFL players are convicted felons. The average salary for an NFL player is over $1,000,000 dollars. Every year, because of fucking stupid-shit football fans, convicted murderers, rapists, car thieves and burglars and kidnappers get rewarded over a million fucking dollars for being the dregs of society willing to pounce on each other so you can fulfill your repressed homosexual desires every Monday night. It’s a god damned cultural plague at best, and a billion dollar brainwashing fetish-ritual at worst. With the amount of time you spend watching other people play catch, you could have done something productive with your life, like starting a website dedicated to how much better you are than everyone else.