First Published 10-26-09
I can’t go to a grocery store checkout isle or pay for my gasoline without being bombarded by nineteen displays for different candy bars at any given time. Sometimes I stand there, holding whatever my groceries are to be, staring at the candy display for minutes at a time. It’s not because I like or crave candy, it’s because there are so many possibilities and combinations for one to produce and market a candy bar. Naturally, with endless options come endless failures, though many a failure in this day and age still somehow finds a dim-witted market to cater to (I’m looking at you, Star Wars). My thirst for knowledge and desire to weed out things that suck from the greater populace drove me to consider many candy bar options to satiate my desire for pure sugar; however I was utterly lost as to which candy bar to even consider buying due to the sheer amount of options I was presented with. Realizing I had just stumbled upon a real conundrum, and being the good Samaritan that I am, I decided to use my vast resources, limitless intellect, and infamous awesomeness to solve the candy complex once and for all. During the course of my experiments, I encountered the good, the bad, and the ugly of candy bars, not to mention a few unwanted extra pounds and a few unneeded collapsed arteries. I have since hired enough hookers to exercise it off, and am finally back in some sort of a shape that my fingers aren’t too fat to use a keyboard, I have compiled a list of candy bars to STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM in the grocery isle. Heed my warnings motherfucker, as beyond telling you what to stay away from, I am unable to consult you what of the remaining candies to actually consume. Well that whole “unable” bit was a lie; I just couldn’t give a fuck what you cram down your multiple-chinned throat, unless it’s my meat shank. Yes, that implies that fat girls give me head. Deal with it.
Snickers “Nougabot Bar”
Release as a shameless promotion tool for the movie Transformers 2, this candy bar is still widely distributed months after the movie left theaters. I believe this was not a planned occurrence, and was simply a result of no one buying into this stupid marketing ploy. In all honestly, the bar itself tasted just fine; this is because IT WAS JUST A NORMAL SNICKERS BAR with the usually cream colored nougat dyed yellow. I find this to separate it from the standard Snickers bar in that not only is it bad enough for you already, but hey, let’s add some more artificial dye into the mix to make it even unhealthier for you. Maybe if you eat enough of them, you will start shitting cool colors. Then you can wrap them in foil and re-sell them as a literally shitty tie in to a movie featuring more special effects than actors (ANY Michael Bay movie).
Chocolate Mix Skittles
It’s like a skittle, but it tastes like chocolate. That makes it an M&M right? Nope, because it’s not actually chocolate in the middle. It’s that chewy sugar thing that all skittles have, and normally skittles don’t taste so bad. But with the Chocolate Mix brand, the middle ends up more like a plastic-like substance that tastes more like ass fudge than real fudge. Adding insult to injury, the flavors themselves were abominable: Chocolate Caramel, Brownie Batter, Chocolate Pudding, S’mores, and Vanilla. Good job dipshits, how is vanilla a chocolate flavor?
Before reading on, pop yourself a piece of Bubblicious gum, it doesn’t matter what flavor. Did you? Good. By the time you are finished reading this sentence, the gum will have lost its flavor.
Don’t get me wrong, Twizzlers Pull N Peel is actually a decent candy. The same cannot however be said about it’s parent candy, Original Twizzlers. Twizzlers are made of more plastic percent than Cher is, and they taste like her too. I mean really, look at these fucking things:
They shine in the light more than chrome does. Just the sight alone should be enough to dissuade one from taking a bite of flavored PVC pipe, but no. People do anyways, none the wiser that a WAY better licorice twist candy exists in the world that won’t fracture your teeth when you chew on it or blind you when you eat it outdoors.
Lemon Jolly Ranchers
Lemon hard candies in general just suck. I seriously don’t know a single person in the world who enjoys lemon jolly ranchers. This may be because lemon is the least appreciated fruit flavor in the history of candy. No one eats the yellow skittles, the yellow dots, Lemonheads, you name it. The whole point of eating something that is 90% sugar is for it to be sweet tasting. If you want something sour to suck on, allow me to formally introduce you to my nutsack.
I expect this one to garner the most backlash. It is subjects like these that I enjoy writing about the most, because I am right, and if you disagree with me, you are obviously wrong. If you are wrong about something, that means you are fucking stupid, and I love pointing out how stupid some people can be, especially when I told them otherwise in the first place. Allow me to walk you through my most recent experience with a 3 Musketeers bar:
Bite 1: Delicious, just the right balance of nougat and chocolate. I begin to doubt that this candy bar will end up making the list.
Bite 2: Not as good as the first, the nougat flavor becomes slightly overwhelming.
Bite 3: The fact that there is simply too much nougat in this bar is beginning to make itself clear to me, and by…
Bite 4: I’m starting to develop a headache.
Bite 5: Headache becomes a full grown migraine.
After bite five, I couldn’t even finish the bar. Two and a half hours later, I wake up in the hospital. The doctors said that the amount of sweetness in the candy I ate caused the vessels in my brain to swell, causing irreparable damage to my limbic system and leaving me with a permanent priapism. On second thought, 3 Musketeers kicks ass.
Under no circumstances should the description “crunchy chocolate-coated malted milk balls” ever be considered a tasty treat.
Chocolate Covered Raisins
If you are planning on letting yourself go and eating candy in the first place, why do you even bother attempting to mask your pigging-out as healthy by adding raisins to the mix? The advent of this candy falls under the same category as that of sugar-free donuts, ice cream, brownies, and diet soda. Why the fuck would you eat a donut that didn’t have sugar in it? Aren’t they calls BAGELS at that point, you fat fuck? Stop trying to mask your piss-poor eating habits by eating shit that is sugar free when it isn’t supposed to be. I honestly do not see the point in consuming ice cream or donuts if there isn’t sugar in them, as that is the entire god damned point to eating them in the first place! And the whole diet soda idea is even worse. Order whatever your fat ass desires, and somehow, washing down your whole pizza, greasy chili cheese fries, and rice crispy treat dessert with a diet Pepsi suddenly makes it A-OK that you shoveled food into your gaping maw and it somehow will make you less of a fat piece of shit. If you are going to be fat and useless, at least own up to it.
The only difference between these candy bars is that mounds are made of dark chocolate and don’t have almonds in it. Both however are filled with processed coconut in the center. I don’t consider these bars to fit into the above ideology in that there is just no fucking way to consider this healthy by any stretch of the imagination just because it may have almonds in it. Again, if you consider diet Pepsi or the nuts in a candy bar “health food,” go outside and get in the way of a Mack truck. Or more realistically, if you maintain that view, you are probably too fucking huge to navigate your inadequate legs out the front door you can’t even fit out of, so give me a shout and I’ll drive the Mack truck to you.
Last but not least the shittiest candy in the world: Candy Corn
Did you expect anything worse to round of this list? Let’s start examining the inherently horrid nature of candy corn with a bit of a history lesson.
Candy corn was created in the 1880s by George Renninger. George was a solitary and evil man who lived to see children suffer. Not a day went by when he didn’t envision and subsequently vigorously masturbate to the thought of young children in horrible pain and suffering. When George finally snapped after being ding-dong ditched by the local 6th grade hoodlums, he dedicated his entire life to ruining the lives of children everywhere. For years George secluded himself in his underground laboratory, emerging only to shit and occasionally howl at the full moon. After years of experiments gone awry, in which he accidentally invented Sarin gas and 5-MeO-DiPT, but could not properly harness either to torture children with, good old George Renninger had an epiphany. He deduced that children for generations far beyond his own would all have one thing in common: a love for candy. George knew that even in the year 2009, spoiled little shits would be fed gratuitous amounts of candy to encourage their bratty behavior by irresponsible and under qualified parents the world around. He then combined that concept with the idea of celebrating Halloween, and immediately set out to make the most abominable candy ever dreamed by a member of the Church of Satan. Only four days later, he emerged victorious with the creation of candy corn. George quickly produced roughly 9,643,634,211,096,727,317,440 tons of this new concoction, dubbed “candy corn” (to be dubiously targeted towards native Indian children, because back then, the only thing worse than a child was an injun). He was able to produce this staggering amount of the material due to its simplicity in process and abundance of ingredients. He simply needed to mix the blood of a dead virgin with the foreskin of a wildebeest or rattlesnake’s tail and recite from the Necronomicon while blending and drying the two materials together in fetid milk. Because of the vast amount of candy corn produced in 1880, there has been no need to ever produce more of it than already exists. Even today, the stockpiles of the “Legacy Of George” are seemingly unlimited. What doesn’t sell one year goes back to the factory (ie. Hell), and is repackaged and re sent to grocery stores for the next year’s festivities. It is rumored that if a woman eats candy corn while pregnant her baby is born possessed and will devour her uterus as it is being birthed. Despite these known truths, cheap old people and other unsuspecting shoppers still shell out for and distribute bags of candy corn every year around Halloween and Thanksgiving, thus fulfilling the lifelong ambition of evil George Renninger.