The Proliferation of Bad Euphamisms

I’m going to kick this off by assuming you already know what a euphemism is. If you do not, it is not my responsibility to educate you. Kindly see yourself to the door and exit the gene pool.

Many of the words or phrases I’m about to cover could also be considered circumlocutions. Either way, these are soft, pussified examples of how we shield our pathetic selves from the cold truth. Anybody who is incapable of speaking directly and without obfuscation deserves to be called out and pushed down in the playground. Dysphemisms will not be addressed, as I love being able to call someone a “retarded fucking moron” instead of just saying they were “wrong.”

Let’s start in the most obvious of places for euphemisms: politics. Oh boy is the political arena full of silly quips, backtracks, and poorly-concealed lies about nearly everything. These professional lawyers that run our country are so good at bending the truth with words that you’d think they need a Masters in English just to attend Law School.

First, let’s do a little “thought experiment.” You know, where you think about stuff. It doesn’t sound very professional to sit in the halls of Congress or the Oval Office and “think about stuff,” does it? Thought experiments have a scientific sound to them. And everybody knows that “science” is the key to everything ever. If you find yourself “participating” in enough “thought experiments,” why some day you may find yourself to be a “thought leader.” What is a “thought leader” you ask? Well, a “thought leader” is somebody like Buddha, Jesus, Steve Jobs but not Bill Gates, Pol Pot, Josef Stalin, Adolf Hitler, Hideki Tojo, or Al Sharpton. The textbook definition of a “thought leader” is: “one whose views on a subject are taken to be authoritative and influential.” My problem with the overuse of the term “thought leader” is that it is now applied to strong advocates for an existing ethos. If you are a good little drone and parrot everything your Sociology Profession tells you, you become a “thought leader” for your graduating class. You didn’t think, nor did you lead, but you thought about some things your leaders said and agreed with them. Then you got rewarded for it by being called a drummed-up bullshit term that has approximately zero relevance to anything. It’s more of an empty award than Obama’s Nobel Prize.

Now, good political “thought leaders” are best at “empowering” others. “Empowering” someone means that you tell them to get off their ass and do something they could have done themselves anyway. When you “empower” someone to make better choices in life, such as eating well or working out, you are doing something they could have done if they weren’t so lazy and useless. But after you in your holy self-stroking and recognition-craving attitude come along and tell someone to quit being shitty, you can then take a significant portion of the credit for their success. Because undermining the success of others you “empowered” to succeed is how talentless people can stay relevant.

Of course, all of that just depends on where philosophically you “lean.” Lean left, lean right, lean in, lean forward. However, according to Fat Joe, only Hispanics can lean back.

Another big thing that all politicians like to do is have or encourage a “conversation about” something. The difference between a debate and a “conversation about” is as follows: In a debate, you posit your stance on a particular subject and “entertain the thought of” the opposing party. When you have “a conversation about” something, you posit your stance on a particular subject and “entertain the thought of” the opposing party. One very polarizing subject that many people like to have a “conversation about” is the use of “enhanced” interrogation. You know, like cutting people’s fingers off and drowning them and stuff. What happened between the 1700s and the 2000s that changed it from torture to “enhanced” interrogation however, is beyond my “scope of information” to deduce.

The funny thing about “enhanced” as a phrase, is that it can mean many, many, different things. Aside from “enhanced interrogation,” we also have “male enhancement” pills. For those that are unaware, those pills make your penis larger, because the size of your penis is directly related to the amount of man you are. Therefore, by growing the size of your cock, you have enhanced the entirety of your “male identity.” That is of course, if you “identify” as a male. Some of you out there may “identify” as a female, a transient-gendered pansexual, or as a jar of mayonnaise. Perhaps the introduction of 54 new Facebook gender categories is another good thing for you and yours to have a “conversation about.” What could go wrong? When Ferguson decided to have a “conversation about” race, it only caused tens of millions of dollars in property damage.

In all of the “conversations about” race, gender, rights, and keeping your doctor, you may occasionally find that something you said turned out to be untrue. Don’t worry if that happens, people “misspeak” all the time. If you find that you have “misspoken” about a subject you are very passionate about, you can rest assured that most people are too stupid to know that it is the same thing as lying through your teeth. As proof, consider this: Lying to Congress about a blowjob is an impeachable offense, but “misspeaking” to Congress about 1/6th of the economy gets you reelected. Instead of misspeaking, you may also choose to “evolve” on an issue. The difference between flip-flopping, pandering, being inconsistent, and “evolving” depends entirely on the gullibility of your audience.

When you “evolve” on some issues, people will no doubt be drawn to your newfound belief. While many people are out there “celebrating their belief” in a particular subject, the last thing you want to do is “shame” them for it. The quest against bullying has been so successful that nobody ever bullies anyone anymore. Bullying is a thing of the past. Unfortunately, people have now taken to “shaming” others for what they say. What’s the difference? I don’t know, and fuck you, you cis-gendered shitlord. “Shaming” people is an affront to “social justice.” Without “social justice” there to compel us how to act in public, people can get away with things like being straight, being Catholic, voting Republican, or owning guns. Thankfully we have a group of self-elected “social justice warriors” to do pro-bono policing of all of the “thought experiments” people have that might lead to a disagreement. I hear these brave people have a headquarters on the social media site Tumblr.

Forget about all of that for the time being, politics can be such a depressing subject. Did you guys hear that I recently found out how to make my own fruit “infused” tea and vodka? Yeah! Apparently all you need to do is place a piece of fruit in a jar of liquid and then forget about it for a few weeks. I’m not really sure how it works, but its “science.” Anything that is cool is “science.” A caterpillar turning into a butterfly is “science.” Landing a probe on a comet is “science,” unless someone on the team involved is wearing a provocative shirt, then it becomes a “social justice” issue that we all need to have “a conversation” about. Evidence supporting the theory of evolution is “science.” Sometimes, people have issues with the way that data is modified, falsified, not peer reviewed, or serves as a cash grab for Al Gore. But those people are wrong because they just don’t understand the “science” of it. Biology, chemistry, astronomy, archaeology? I don’t know which branch and I don’t care. It’s all “science” and all of those people are “experts” who wear white coats, so they have to be correct. Even things that I thought had nothing to do with “science” are actually deeply rooted in the study of “science.” When Neil DeGrasse Tyson goes out of his way to make fun of Christians and call theme every horrible thing he can muster, he is allowed to say so because those dumb Bible-bumpers just don’t understand “science.” But when I make fun on feminists for “shaming” men I get shouted down and told to go away. Turns out that anything that sounds remotely smarter than the average Tumblr user is “science” because smart people thought of it, and scientists are smart people so what’s the difference? Maybe I should get a degree in “science” so I can do and say whatever the hell I want and get a free pass too.

Anyway, that’s all the time I have to share with you today. My lunch break is over and I need to go back to work at Acme Business “Solutions.” We offer a wide range of programs for all of the problems that your business may encounter. Need to hire some new employees to fill an opening? We have a “solution” for that. Run out of toilet paper? We have a “solution” for that too! We’re located right next door to John Doe’s Furniture Solutions. They sell sofas.

I’d like to end this by reminding you all of a very important safety tip: In the event of an “unplanned landing” on a “makeshift runway,” your seat cushion can be used as a “life preserver.”