In history there are many constants. Genghis Khan never loses, women always ruin everything, and mass shooters are always on anti-depressants. One fascinating recurrence of history is the capability of people named George to be so good at kicking ass. If you leaf through any western history book, you will see a few Johns, some Michaels, and the occasional William who have forever carved their names into our heritage, but these instances pale in comparison to the number of Georges.
Just how many awesome Georges have there been? Since history didn’t start until 1776, we may as well go back to the beginning and start with this man:
George Washington – The father of our motherfucking country! George Washington was such a bad ass that he once got into a bar fight with a British Colonel, who knocked his teeth out. George was so embarrassed about the false teeth he had to wear that to get back at the Colonel he went to war with Britain. That’s right; America’s independence was a byproduct of George Washington’s elaborate and overwhelming revenge.
King George III – A tale of two Georges! After George Washington completely wrecked the British presence in Lexington after that aforementioned pub brawl, King George III, who had a tiny penis, heard the stories of a George even more Georgie than he. Since this man was the King of England and master of the American colonies, he had to assert his dominance by proving that he was the only mother fucker named George in the world. When George Washington waved his tremendous balls at the Throne in defiance of the British crown, King George III was all “U wot m8, I’ll rek ur face I swear on me mum!” and quickly raised an army of people not named George to go deal with this bothersome interloper. It takes a special kind of man to invade America with an army full of people painted the color of a bullseye, but King George was so confident that he was the one true George that he did it anyway, as brazenly as possible to show that he ought not to be fucked with, and well, you all know what happened from there.
When the final battle of the Revolution was over, George Washington almost cut of King George III’s head, screaming that “There can be only one!” But instead of a Quickening, George Washington devised a much more suitable punishment for the failed King. Interestingly enough, history has paid stunning attention to detail when cataloging the aftermath of the American Revolution regarding the poor King’s fate. I have yet to find a single picture of King George III that does not show him either leaning on and holding something for support or sitting down. The reason for this is because he spend the rest of his life prolapsed after the rigorous ass-fucking he received at the hands of the One True George.
Sir George Williams – Married the daughter of another man named George. Got sick of dealing with her bullshit at home all the time so he founded the YMCA, which was initially a place for God-fearing men to escape their wives and fear God in peace. In 1978, the YMCA was invaded by a coalition of homosexual Indians, construction workers, police officers, cowboys, veterans, and jockeys and turned into a dance club.
George Washington Carver – Technically he didn’t invent peanut butter, but his work on peanuts turned it into what it is today. I fucking love peanut butter, it is the best food in the world. I would put it on lasagna if I could find a way to make it taste good. If it wasn’t for peanut butter, I would have nothing to threaten my allergic nephew with. Dogs would never make comical attempts to chew peanut butter. Lonely dog owners would have to lick their own nutsacks. If it wasn’t for peanut butter, almost every protein bar in the world would have to taste like something else. Reese’s cups would be full of disappointment. Millions of children would be eating pretend-butter and jelly sandwiches. The Rhodesian Brush War would have lasted another seven months. Cancer patients would wither away in their beds, lacking something tangible to fight for.
I once took a scientific survey to prove how important peanut butter is, and 100% of those surveyed said that without peanut butter, there would be no reason to live. This is an accurate survey because I asked like… four of my friends. It was scientific because I took the notes down on a clipboard. Suck it, nerds.
George Patton – If George Washington established that commanders should have huge nuts, General George S Patton took it to such an extreme that we’ve yet to fully recover from the astonishing ballsiness of one of our most celebrated military leaders. Patton was born to a military family, attended a military school, and joined the U.S. Army as an officer. He saw his first combat shooting Mexicans in the Pancho Villa Expedition in 1916 as a warm up for slaughtering Huns with tanks in World War 1. Patton was so good at murdering Germans that the U.S. Government promised to put him in charge of all future conflicts involving Germany.
Fortunately, those uppity Huns didn’t take long to start shit again, and when Adolf Hitler declared war on everything, President Roosevelt knew just the man for the job. Patton led the invasion of Sicily, Normandy, and the invasion of countless rural European girl’s virginites along the way. Patton singlehandedly wrestled a Luftwaffe airplane out of the sky with his bare hands and turned the tide at the Battle of the Bulge by inspiring American troops with his own Bulge. After the war was won, Patton was put in command of Bavaria for post-war stabilization, only to later be relieved of duty for talking shit to Jews who had already been through enough that decade. Patton later died when his forehead lost a fight against a car windshield, only to come back from the dead in 1970 to make a movie about himself.
George Thorogood– A few years ago I was a homeless alcoholic that nobody liked. George Thorogood taught me that even shitty drunks can still become famous by talking about how shitty and drunk they always are. I was so inspired by it I created my own website to fund my passion for binge drinking.
George Jones – If this man isn’t a role model of determination, I don’t know who is. From The George Jones Wikipedia page:
Jones would go to extreme lengths for a drink if the thirst was on him. Perhaps the most famous drinking story concerning Jones occurred while he was married to his second wife Shirley Corley. Jones recalled Shirley making it physically impossible for him to travel to Beaumont, located 8 miles away, to buy liquor. Because Jones would not walk that far, she would hide the keys to each of their cars they owned before leaving. She did not, however, hide the keys to the lawn mower. Upset, Jones walked to the window and looked out over his property. He later described his thoughts in his memoir: “There, gleaming in the glow, was that ten-horsepower rotary engine under a seat. A key glistening in the ignition. I imagine the top speed for that old mower was five miles per hour. It might have taken an hour and a half or more for me to get to the liquor store, but get there I did.”
Curiously, in her 1979 autobiography Stand By Your Man, Tammy Wynette claims the incident occurred while she was married to Jones, maintaining that she woke up at one o’clock in the morning to find her husband gone: “I got into the car and drove to the nearest bar 10 miles away. When I pulled into the parking lot there sat our rider-mower right by the entrance. He’d driven that mower right down a main highway. He looked up and saw me and said, ‘Well, fellas, here she is now. My little wife, I told you she’d come after me.
George Foreman – What the fuck else am I supposed to do when I want a burger without leaving the house? Never mind the prolific boxing career, the George Foreman grill is the greatest culinary invention since the hickory smoker. While we are on the subject of appliances, shout out to George Brazil, who dedicated his life to giving comfortably cooled living space to assholes who find it fit to live in a desert.
George Carlin – Holy shit, where do I even start? I wish George Carlin were still alive today, to see how soft and offended people have become, to see how even Jerry Seinfeld agrees that standup comedy has been killed by Political Correctness. George Carlin would walk right up to that line in the sand, whip out his old man dick, and rape it as hard as he could until the line died of exhaustion. It’s entirely possible that George Carlin was the funniest man who ever lived, and anyone who isn’t a lily-livered pussy owes him a debt of gratitude for his contributions to comedy, let alone to society.
Racism, sexism, ageism, religion, politics drug abuse, child abuse, dead children, dead parents, dead Presidents, dead audience members. Not one single fucking thing was off limit to this man, and if you were offended by anything he said, he would forcibly tell you to get the fuck out and get the fuck over yourself. I have nothing but fawning adoration for the career of George Carlin. If there were more men like him alive today, the world would be a more honest, more open, and more livable place.
George W Bush – Love him or hate him, he’s killed a ton of Muslims!
George R.R. Martin – In a world full of two-bit anonymous trolling, George R.R. Martin has made a career out of showing the world the most effective ways to fuck with people. George R.R. Martin has made millions of dollars by professionally crushing your soul and making you want to cry. If this man was in charge of the world, everyone you’ve ever loved would be dead and you would probably get gang-raped on the way home from work every day. Far from being a sadist, Mr. Martin seeks only to remind us of our own history. It was only a few short centuries ago when we fed midget babies to wolves, shit in buckets, raped everyone, and cut off our sibling’s heads for fucking with our bowl of gruel. I think if more people were still acclimated to that style of living, we would never run out of fun things to do.
George Takei was initially planned to be on this list, but after doing a little digging, I realized that he’s never actually done anything important, and people just suck his dick on social media all the time because they think it makes them retro-cool. Also, he’s apparently a racist. If you want to hear my opinions about people named Tim, click here.