The end of the year can be a difficult time for our bodies. Starting with Halloween, we slog through a parade of one decadent holiday treat after another. These cultural norms may make it difficult for anybody with an existing health goal to stay on track, and can further complicate things for people who are motivated to turn over a new leaf for the new year. Sticking to a regular diet plan and exercise routine sounds like the least fun thing to do in the season of hot cocoa, mint candies, and ham, so to help everybody stay on track I’ve provided a quick and easy way to meet your weight goals in 2016. They worked for me, and I’m certain they’ll work for you!
Cut off your arm. If that’s too extreme for you, try getting a kidney and your appendix removed. There are plenty of people who live without these organs, all they do is take up space and weigh you down.
Protest interracial marriage at your local Superior Courthouse, and avoid all hentai.
Hold your breath until you pass out. When you are not awake, you are not eating. The body is constantly burning calories just keeping your usual functions going, so the less time you spend awake the thinner you will be when you wake up!
Move to the Middle East. You’ll spend so much time running away from people who want to behead you that you won’t have time to cram cheeseburgers down your throat.
Buy a pet alligator: Alligators will eat anything. So buy one and feed it all of the food in your house. Remove temptation to go to the store to replenish by letting the gator live in your car.
Start smoking. Cigarettes help control appetite. So do crystal meth and crack cocaine. Every time you lift that pipe to your lips, you are technically doing a curl. Curls help build biceps and deltoids.
Jump off of a 2 story roof. You’ll break every bone in your body and the hospital will have to feed you through a tube for months. Big Macs and Fried Twinkies don’t fit in that tube.
Dry clean yourself. Pay the Chinaman down the street extra money to run you through their machines a few times. The chemicals used to treat your body will make you sick and you’ll puke out whatever you ate for breakfast, making your meal completely calorie-neutral.
Kick a large bird. Emu, swan, or a giant anteater, it doesn’t matter. Kick one as hard as you can and its buddies will reward you with a special pill that when inserted into an open wound will melt away the pounds from the inside out.
Overthrow your local government and install a Communist dictatorship. The ultimate in “crash” dieting, Communist Dictatorships have ensured that people stay skinny for almost 100 years. From exotic Cuba to Russia and the Far East, there is a plethora of evidence to support the effectiveness of a radical junta in maintaining your body weight.
Sell your stove and microwave. Cook everything in a brick pit and start a fire by rubbing two sticks together. Convenience leads to sloth, and sloth leads to fat.
Use Pepper Spray to flavor your food. I’m not sure what this accomplishes, but it’s probably hilarious.
The best way to control your portions is with the help of another. Find a Great Dane, slit it open, and crawl inside of it. Walk around on all fours and pretend to be a dog. People will only feed you table scraps and unappealing dry food.
Go to your local gym and ask a health coach if you can train from their house. While you are at their house, fuck their wife in the shower. When the meat head climbs in to kick your ass, push him into the wet tile and he’ll fall and bash his head in. Offer to be a pallbearer at his funeral. Caskets are very heavy and it should give you an excellent arm workout.
Set yourself on fire. The term “burning calories” was coined as a calorie can be burned to heat one cubic whatever of water one degree. As such, calories are actually, literally, flammable. The longer you set yourself on fire for, the more calories you will burn. Forget metabolism boosters, fire up your fitness!
Lay down on the ground, and turn on your ceiling fan. There will be a ball at the top of the fan that will fall, knocking over a stack of dominoes that flips a switch that turns a small flap. The flap will set loose a rat, who will solve a maze in search of cheese. When he takes the cheese off of the platform, it will tip a scale in the platform that will spin a flint that starts a fire that burns a string holding a bag of bottle caps and rocks. The bag will fall and hit you right on the nuts. You will want to double over in pain, but you’ll be laying down, forcing your upper body to lift upward to cradle your aching genitalia. This is called a sit up, and will help build definition in your abs as well as burn off that waistline. It is recommended to do sit ups in sets of at least 30 for maximum effectiveness.
Wear two different shoes of different sizes. This will make you look like an idiot, which will make you want to avoid people. When you get to the office, you’ll have to take the stairs instead of the elevator because there is less chance of running into somebody else who is going to make fun of you.
Buy 100 wooden pencils and a sharpener. Sharpen them all until they are all ground down to nothing. I’m not sure which muscle groups this works out but it’s bound to help something somewhere.
Instead of eating a full plate, eat half of a plate and a jar of Vaseline. Because there are no nutrition facts on a jar of Vaseline, we can safely assume it is calorie-free. That means it is all filler and will help you ingest less while still feeling full.
Punch your boss in the neck. They’ll fire you and you won’t be able to afford candy.
Buy a Fitbit and wear it around your wrist. Put your hand inside of another person’s ass crack without their consent. Run away from that person and the Fitbit will keep track of your heart rate while you make your getaway.
If you want to look good, it’s about more than just your BMI. You need to keep yourself well-kept to keep your confidence up. Fitness can be motivated by vanity, but that’s OK. Go to a Russian barber and get the hot towel treatment. When they are shaving your chin with a straight razor, loudly say “Jimmy Bones is expecting his repayment a week early.” You’ll be so scared of starting a mob war that you’ll shit your pants, and the average human turd weights about 0.8 pounds.
Find a kid with leukemia and challenge them to a P90X circuit. When their organs fail while working out, throw them over your shoulder and carry them on foot to the emergency room. Resistance training like this is the cornerstone of any bodybuilding routine.
Get a tattoo right below your waistline of a word that you do not know. Make sure somebody you trust knows that word. In 30 days, that person will hire a hit man to kill you unless you tell the hit man the word tattooed underneath your fupa.
There are many different ways to achieve your goal, and it may seem overwhelming at first. The most important thing is to stay motivated, and never tell yourself “I can’t.” Everybody hates fat people, and we all want to see you make changes for the better so we can look at you without crying. Happy Holidays, we believe in you!