Though I don’t receive as much fan mail as some of the more prolific writers out there, I still get my fair share of love letters from the public. Some of them are funny, some of them are insightful, and others, dare I say, heartwarming. I’ll never forget the email I received from a hysterical mother who told me that her son had my website open when he shot himself in the head at his computer desk. It really warms the heart to know that I’m appreciated.
Without need of much introduction, here’s some of my hands down favorite fan mail from the last few months. Got something you want to say to me personally? Send it in!
- From: Mikey 5ever
“I opened up the classifieds section of the newspaper to start looking for a new job, because my old place of employment was stricken with a mysterious case of arson on night after my manager looked at me funny.”
Where do you come up with this shit man? Shits fucking funny. Keep writing shit like this man, I’ll keep reading that shit every fucking time you do. I haven’t laughed so hard since the time my brother shit his pants. I think I shit my pants from laughing so hard. Good shit dude, love your shit.
- From: Clarissa Reyes
Hello Erik Red. You not remember me, but I am Clarissa, bartender you meet in Philippines year last. I not have heard from you since we last saw, but I see now you are now famous internet host. I never forget night we spend together, when you poo on my chest, but miss and get my face. I’m sorry to scream running from hotel, I regret daily decision to leave you behind. I forgive you for miss my chest. I also regret not to tell you soon, my real name is Martin and I born a man. If you not shit on face, I will had taken pants off to you see for yourself. I feel bad anyway not tell you sooner, but I still think you have liked that I am. Please write back and we trade pictures.
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- From: InfoWars Breaking News Alerts
Dear InfoWars subscriber,
This is it. The big one. We’ve finally received IRREFUTABLE PROOF of the hidden FEMA/United Nations Agenda 21. DEPOPULATION HAS BEGUN.
Just now we have received verified reports from a confidential source who is a high-ranking member of the US Intelligence Community that Militarized FEMA squads are ON THE MOVE to round up and imprison targets considered a threat to the New World Order.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
The Overton Window hasn’t just shifted, it’s been blown out of the wall. Stand and fight. Report all sightings of FEMA death squads in your area to social media using the hashtag #pleasegiveAlexJonesmoney and encourage everyone on your mailing list to do the same!
If you’re feeling the signs of fatigue, the EPA’s poisoning of your natural resources and water supply has already begun! Quickly go to infowarsstore.com to buy my bullshit supplements to save you from CERTAIN DEATH BY FLOURIDE POISONING AND/OR UNITED NATIONS DEATH CAMPS.
- From: My Mother
Hello son! I haven’t heard from you in a while and just want to make sure you are OK. Now that you are back in town you need to stop by, I’m sure you’ve grown so much! I still haven’t heard from your father, sorry to say. After twenty years, I doubt he’s still out for a pack of smokes. I hope nothing bad happened. Remember to keep warm and not skip any meals! Love mom.
- From: Shamir Shanamba Naquaaz
“Fuck you whitey.”
- From: Thomas McClasky
I loved your article about the different textures of pretzels! It had me rolling on the floor, quite literally. The stupid graphic you included triggered my epilepsy and I had a fucking seizure. I fell off of my chair and got a concussion. I’m sending your dumb ass the bill.
- From: Dankie Blazeit xXx
Dude ur post abou t pizza bagels wuz lit fam shits funny af. Pizza bagels r my fav munche food so ino wut u mean wen u sayin ud totally succ dic 4 sum a dat shit. Hmu sumtim we can blaze n shit or hit da clubs lol. peace.
- From: Jane Dorothy Steppins
Kill yourself, you misogynist piece of shit.
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- From: Bank Of America Account Services
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